A Dating Scammer Profile

What does a dating scammer profile look like and how can you identify the profile of a dating scammer?

The photo on the left is one of almost a dozen of the same man and I simply downloaded it from stock.xchng.

This man is not a scammer but how easy would it be for me to create a dating profile and place this picture on the profile?

What if we then started chatting online and I sent you the other photo’s of him … would you be convinced the photos are of me? The correct answer is … probably, yes.

A comment was left on my blog post what is an online dating scam leaving a scammers name. Before allowing the comment I checked on the name given and it took all of 2 seconds to recognise the profile as a scammer.

How did I know this? How did I find her profile? All the commenter left was the name of the scammer and which dating website he met her on.

I simply used copy and paste to put her name into google search and it returned just 2 results, one for ChristianSinglesNet and one for Connecting Singles.

This doesn’t sound bad, only two web pages mention that name and both are dating site profiles, nothing wrong with that.

Before we get into her profile I want to say the commenter who was scammed by this person is not a stupid person, like so many he is simply open hearted and trusting, looking for someone special and reading profiles with rose tinted glasses and a lack of knowledge.

He should have read Behaviour patterns of online dating scammers but like most victims you don’t google dating scammers until it’s too late.

So back to the job at hand, I then clicked on the first profile link for this “woman” (who knows could be a man?) and this is what I found:

Laila        Member Name: Laila2g9 (1)

African American / Black, 31,

Single – Never Married  (2)

San Antonio, Texas, United States

Personal Details
Gender:     Female
Age:     31 (9-Apr-1978)
Race:     African American / Black
Marital Status:     Single – Never Married
Children:     0
Religion:     Christian
Drinking:     Non-alcoholic beverages only
Smoking:     Never
Food:     American
Occupation:    Banking / Finance (4)
Education:     High school
Languages:
Interests:     Arts / Crafts
Cooking
Dancing
Music – Christian / Gospel
Music – Pop / R&B
Religion
Eye Color:     Brown
Hair Color:     Brown
Body Type:     Athletic / Fit
Height:     5′06″ – (167 cm)

0 photos in album view

General Information
My name is Laila Amidu,I am 31years Old,I am Single (five
years ago) (2), Fair, dark black hair, brown eyes, 5′ 6″, 121
lbs..,L(3)ong Hair and a healthy Lady. I am self-sufficient,
Beautiful, happy, secure, self-confident, psychologically
aware, emotionally and financially secure. and working as a
Waiter In a Local Restaurant (4) ,i email me i will tell u more (5)
my long name is my id and here is my email address
./Laila2g9 /at /yahoo /dot /com/ am Living with my
grandMom.i will tell u more about me (5)

Appearance
My name is Laila Amidu,I am 31years Old,I am Single (five
years ago), Fair, dark black hair, brown eyes, 5′ 6″, 121
lbs..,Long Hair and a healthy Lady. I am self-sufficient,
Beautiful, happy, secure, self-confident, psychologically
aware, emotionally and financially secure. and working as a
Waiter In a Local Restaurant,i email me i will tell u more
my long name is my id and here is my email address
./Laila2g9 /at /yahoo /dot /com/ am Living with my
grandMom.i will tell u more about me

Looking for
i will tell u when we meet onlinei will tell u when (6) we meet
onlinei will tell u when we meet onlinei will tell u when we
meet onlinei will tell u when we meet onlinei will tell u
when we meet onlinei will tell u when we meet onlinei will
tell u when we meet onlinei will tell u when we meet onlinei
will tell u when we meet online

The parts in bold are where we need to look. Look at the numbers I have inserted and let’s go through it one by one.

1. Laila2g9 – google the username. Not just this one, any profile you look at, scammers tend to use the same username on all the sites they join and Laila2g9 is no exception.

Clicking the first link (Matchmaker dating site) we see that Laila still claims to be black African but her photo is a dark haired white skinned lady (bit of a give away), it also looks like a models photo so I would run it through a reverse image search engine. She has also moved from San Antonio to Adrian. On other sites she moves to Massachusetts and even to Ireland, all in the same year because her age never changes.

Also pick out a sentence and google it in quote marks .. I chose a sentence which I knew wasn’t written by the person copying and pasting the profile information … like this “happy, secure, self-confident, psychologically aware, emotionally and financially secure” (the quote marks make google look for the exact same phrase). What I found was a profile for ralleylove on romancescam … please people do a little searching before being scammed.

Sound familiar?

My name is Regina,i am 32 years Old,I am Single (five years ago), Black, dark black hair, brown eyes, 5′ 9″, 141 lbs.,Long Hair and a healthy Lady. I am self-sufficient, Beautiful, happy, secure, self-confident, psychologically aware, emotionally and financially secure. and working as a Waiter In a Local Resturant,am Living with my Mom and Dad in a Logging house

I stopped clicking links at 34 profiles with this same paragraph, they simply changed the name and age (some profiles are for men removing references to lady) … there are actually 16 pages of search results with this same paragraph on various profiles and every one is a scammer.

2. States single never married but then says she has been single for 5 years! People who are seriously looking for a relationship take time to write their profile (good way to find the players too) so this sort of mistake should be taken seriously.

3. Quick quiz … why do scammers so often have capital letters in the middle of sentences?  Answer ….. translation software.

It Looks like this, With capital Letters in very Strange Places.

This is something I found out through online discussions with my husband. His first language is Arabic so of course he has to look up some words in a translation tool. Each single word he translates starts with a capital letter.

Try it, go to google translate, translate some basic single words from English to Arabic and back to English. This is what you will see:

Hair
Eyes
Lady

See how they all begin with capital letters … watch out for it on profiles, capitals in the middle of sentences = translation = English not their first language.

4. She works in the banking/finance sector but also as a waiter (not waitress) in a local restaurant .. the global recession must have hit bankers harder than we thought or she can’t remember where she works.

So this lady doesn’t know whether she is single or divorced and is confused about where she works … come on people they are huge red flags.

5. Writing sentences that make no sense within the paragraph. This is simply due to copy and paste.  Remember scammers are working in a foreign language so when they are sent a script to copy and paste they have no idea where to start or stop, so they just copy and paste what they see … would you know where the end of a sentence written in Chinese is?

6. Repeating the same thing over and over again Repeating the same thing over and over again Repeating the same thing over and over again Repeating the same thing over and over again Repeating the same thing over and over again – about 90% of the scammers profiles I reject on my dating website have at least one paragraph like this.

If you are chatting to anyone you met online please read 5 tips to spot a nigerian dating scammer, it’s better to give a little offence to a genuine person than get caught by a dating scammer.

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Older Women Dating Younger Men | Cougar Dating

What do you think of older women dating younger men? Do you think of cougars, cradle snatchers or women refusing to accept getting older?

I remember more than two decades ago when Friday night at the Casino was known as Grab-a-Granny night, so older women dating younger men is hardly a new concept but is it now becoming more socially acceptable?

As I am slightly more than a decade older than my husband (no secret it’s on my About Me page) it is a subject close to my heart.

I tend to shy away from any internet information discussing the subject, as it tends to be highly stereotypical and rarely written by an older woman dating a younger man.

However, a new survey by a Cougar dating site, Cougared.com, may just blow the lid off the stereotypical older women dating younger men viewpoint and I was delighted when they emailed me a copy of the report.

The report asks some very searching questions like:

How old is the average cougar and what is the typical age gap?
What is the reaction of the guy’s family and friends to her age?
Why is dating men their own age yesterday’s news for cougars?
What kind of relationship are real life cougars really looking for?

You can read the full report here on the Cougared.com website, it makes interesting reading.

What I love about this report is it is written with authority, the information being provided by self confessed Cougars and not a stab in the dark by self proclaimed dating gurus.

The report also reassures me that I am not a typical Cougar … phew, I do hate to be labelled.

Now compare the reports answers to the suggested motivation for cougars provided on this Ezine article written by a dating pro (who writes on many dating subjects), who says:

“While many older men often marry their young girlfriends, cougars are generally not looking for a long term relationship, although sometimes it does happen despite their original intentions. Mostly, they are looking for some fun, both in and out of the bedroom.”

As hideous as that comment sounds it is far less insulting than this eHow article which suggest younger men have to be prepared to be prey and talks about helping them with essays, as if older women are seeking helpless school children … let’s hope that author and I never meet up!!

There is now a report stating “More than 90% of cougars are looking for a serious relationship – a myth-busting finding which shows that cougar women aren’t all just looking for casual fun” which I can point people to when they raise their eyebrows having heard about the age difference between my hubby and I.

I can only speak for myself but lack of commitment is certainly NOT the reasoning behind marrying a younger man and neither is his prowess in the bedroom … we simply fell in love, as any normal couple does.

I am not wealthy, I hadn’t dated a younger man before, we didn’t meet in a bar, I can’t provide my husband with a sumptuous lifestyle and I am far from mutton dressed as lamb … unless lambs have started wearing wellies and comfy knickers!!

Just might have some fun later and answer the survey questions on a blog post.

It all just goes to show that relationships come in many forms, people should not be labelled and it’s way past time that society got past their silly ideas of older women dating younger men.

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Online Dating Site Reviews – Can You Trust Them?

Have you searched online for dating site reviews? These are websites who purport to independently review and compare online dating websites but can you trust them?

First we have to understand why dating review sites exist.

They are there to make the review site owner money … and there is nothing wrong with that providing the reviews are fair and impartial.

When someone follows the links from the dating site review and becomes a paying member of a dating site, the review site owner is paid either a one off fee or a percentage of the membership fee.

I repeat, there is nothing wrong with this, the dating site review owner has to put in the time and money to get internet browsers to their review site and the service they offer (if genuine) can stop you joining the wrong dating site.

Where I do have a problem is with review sites who do not even invest 30 minutes of their time to write a review, they simply copy and paste whatever the dating site owners send over. This is not a review, it’s purely an advert.

So let’s have a look at some review sites and decide wether they are review sites or advert sites. To be fair I am simply searching google uk for Online Dating Review Sites and choosing the top four sites in the search results.

I hope this shows you what you need to be looking at when visiting a dating review site and helps you to find real review sites rather than a page full of adverts.

No3 on googles list gets my vote, not because it is the best review site but because it appears to be the most honest. If the owners would add some more information into the reviews then they would be miles ahead of the competition.

No 1 Best4sure

As I am based in the UK I went straight to their UK Dating Sites page. At random I chose the review for the iLove dating site.

I copied a phrase from the section headed ‘Our iLove Review’ and googled it (including quote marks around the phrase to ensure an exact match).

The phrase popped up on a couple of blogs dated from 2005. Now if this is THEIR iLove review then why does the same exact phrase come up on other site review pages?!!

Scrolling to the top of the page I see .. *****latest ilove Uk seems to be no more ! .. so why is it still on the review site if ther dating site is no more (answer – search engine optimisation).

Knowing that even the small ‘Our review’ section is actually written by the dating site I have lost all trust in the review site … next.

No2 Online Dating Reviews

This looks a bit more promising. At random I have clicked the review for Dating for Parents and there are two guest reviews, the second is titled “Paid Members Getting False Reports”. This is what reviews should sound like, a mix of positive and negative.

I click the link to read their review and then click again (at the bottom of the short review) to read the full review (am getting dizzy now). The full review includes difficulties the review staff had registering with the dating website but gave an overall good score – sounds fair and honest.

I was really starting to like this site until I clicked all the review links down the page … there are a lot that simply don’t have a review, making them simple adverts rather than reviews.

I get the impression that the site began with great intentions but over time has lost steam (let’s hope they have made a fortune and are on a beach in Barbados, far too relaxed to write reviews). It’s a shame and I hope next time I visit they have found a new lease of life and completed all the reviews.

Still it’s a good review site to begin your search and I couldn’t find any standard phrases across the net.

No3 The UK Online Dating Review

I will declare an interest in this site … albeit a very small one, as they use this blogs RSS feed for their Dating Advice page but as I believe in honest reviews that is what I shall give and hope my RSS feed doesn’t disappear off their site.

It is centred around the UK. Not simply sites for UK only but also worldwide sites with a high UK membership.

The first review on the page is for eHarmony in UK and the site states “No rating yet, as we don’t have enough feedback”. That suggests honesty to me.

All the information is on one page so you don’t have to chase round the site following links. They also include a mixure of dating site types, from traditional dating sites to speed dating.

However, the reviews are simply too short, I would prefer to read more about the reviewers impressions of the site but you can see the honesty in the short reviews provided.

If you are looking for a UK dating site I would certainly check out The UK Online Dating Review and look out for little comments like “watch for fake profiles”, it certainly gives you a hint of how well the dating site is policed (or not).

No4 Dating Jungle

I’m totally confused by this review site.

I clicked the section for extramarital dating and there are two sites listed (illicitencounters with an overall impression of 6 and Lovinglinks with overall impression of 1 (these scores are out of 10).

Now call me old fashioned but a score of 1 out of 10 has to be a pretty poor review surely?! Yet the overall impression wording states “The design of the site is attractive and makes lovinglinks stand out from other dating services.”

Likewise in the dating site reviews, Dating Direct gets a dreadful 1 out of 10 and yet the overall impression simply says “Impressive are the detailed profiles which optimise your matchmaking success as well as the responsiveness and ease of use of the Site.”

Anyone else confused? I can only assume that the good scores are given to paying sites and the badly scored sites are simply added to encourage you to join the paying sites?! One to be avoided I think.

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What Makes The Best Wife in the World?

I was really touched by a comment left by Matt on my article why can’t I find a husband, giving a link to his blog titled “Best Wife in the World”.  To date his new blog consists of just one post but what a post, explaining why he has the best wife in the world.

I have never searched the internet for the term “Best Wife in the World” before and was surprised how many web pages contain this phrase.

I feel sure we all remember Tom Cruise and his antics on the Oprah show, declaring his love. This had such an impact in America that urban dictionaries now include the phrase Jump the Couch.

As a Brit we tend to be more reserved about our personal feelings and squirm at such open declarations of love but Americans seem to have none of our reserve when it comes to declaring their love, faith or opinions.

I would die of embarrassment if my husband started a blog declaring me the best wife in the world … and yet, like any human with an ego, I would secretly be immensely flattered.

If you don’t go and read the short blog post I want to share a couple of lines with you.

Matt says “She has endured unbelievable hardship, much caused by me, some caused by “life” in general.”

This statement had such an impact on me. Reading between the lines it shows Matt’s acceptance that he has not been the best husband in the world and yet his wife has endured and continued to try her best to be a good wife.

Matt also tells us “She is the total package of friend, playmate, confidant and lover to me.”

This line in itself should tell us women what is really important to a man in a wife. He does not talk about her weight, her looks or what she wears. A marriage is so much deeper than external appearance and yet some women still believe looks are what it all boils down to.

To be a good wife you need to be devoted, faithful, playful, trusting, energetic, secure, supportive, forgiving and on occasion long suffering.

A tip for MEN … this is not a one way street, we can only continue to be all of these things if you respond in kind and make the effort to play your part in the marriage.

If you read this and think “erm, maybe I haven’t been the best wife or husband” then it’s rarely too late to change your ways, so take a leaf from Matt’s book and start now.

Well done to Matt for recognising his wife’s efforts and I hope you will continue to cherish Jean, now you have recognised just how fantastic she is.

Now I don’t want to burst your bubble Matt but the Big G (Google) will often highly rank a new blog but over a few weeks it will fall into it’s natural place in the search engines … however, if this happens it doesn’t mean you don’t have the Best Wife in the World!!

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The Best Relationship Tip | Dating Advice

If you could give just one relationship tip to couples what would it be?

This is a question I was asked recently and finding just one gem of dating advice which covers every couple, whether newly dating or in a long term relationship, wasn’t easy.

I dismissed the dating advice on how to meet someone and fall in love, this often happens naturally, even when we don’t expect it, as doesn’t cover people already in long term relationships.

Much of the relationship advice I would give is for married couples or people in long term relationships, so this doesn’t cover those in the early dating stage.

Hmmmm, one dating tip to cover everyone in a relationship .. ok here it is ….

Never go to bed angry, always make up before you go to sleep.

Whether you live together or apart, always make up after a fight before you both go to sleep.

This isn’t a relationship tip about romance or sentiment, it’s about science.

Sleep experts tell us that while we sleep we file away the days events. Our brains don’t sleep when our bodies do, they process the days events and stabalise our memories.

Stabalising our memories makes them stronger, it’s how we remember things. Think of it like a filing cabinet, as we sleep we file away our memories for future reference.

This means if the girl at the supermarket checkout smiled and was nice to us we will file it away a pleasant experience. Two weeks later you may not consciously think about the pleasant experience in the supermarket but you will find yourself returning to the same supermarket and same checkout girl. Your sub-conscious remembers her as a pleasant experience.

In relationships we all argue sometimes, we say harsh words we really don’t mean and we usually respond in kind.

Think of a time you have gone to sleep angry. Remember as you begin to wake up the next morning feeling great but as you become fully awake you begin to remember the fight yesterday, the hurt feelings and the anger toward your partner?

If the last thing we think about before we sleep is our hurt feelings, a battered self image or feeling unloved then as we sleep those experiences will be filed away and solidified.

On the other hand, if we make the effort to make up (well we know we will eventually so why not do it now) then the last memory we file away about our partners will be pleasant, comforting and loving ones. When we wake up our memories of our partner will be happy and loving.

This doesn’t mean keeping our partner awake until 4am, when they have to get up at 7 for work, analysing every detail of your relationship. Just suck it up, say sorry and make up. Whether you roll over, say sorry and hug your partner or give them a quick call before you sleep, it’s so important not to sleep upset.

There are certain rules for a healthy relationship and also rules for arguing in a relationship which we should all try to put into practice.

Amid the forest of relationship tips and dating advice I really feel this is the one I would like all couples to take on board because it works on a subconscious level and we have no real concept of the damage we can do to our relationships if we go to sleep hurt or angry.

This is my best relationship tip, what’s yours?

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The A to Z of Love | E

Entertain. How often do you hear couples talk about the “honeymoon period” of a relationship and what life is like after it is over.

Usually about 6 to 12 months into a serious relationship the magic tarnishes and people can begin to feel a little bored in each others company.

This really is a normal process, as the excitement of getting to know each other drifts into familiarity.

While we are first dating we work hard to entertain each other, to think of funny stories, interesting places to go and how we can present ourselves in the best light.

The most successful long term relationships involve continued effort after the honeymoon period has faded.

You have to continue to admire each other, find the right balance so we neither ignore or smother each other, and remember to regularly compliment each other.

Whether you choose a “date night”, a hobby you can share or just take time to communicate each day. Don’t come home from work every day and just complain, tell your partner if you saw something funny, heard something interesting on the radio or just remembered a good joke.

We often hear people say how much they like a new dating partner because he/she “makes me laugh”. This is entertainment and it is important to keep that aspect of dating alive in a long term relationship.

When you were dating you wouldn’t dream of turning up to a date in sloppy old clothes and either moaning all evening or ignoring your date … so why do it in a long term relationship?

Of course we share our troubles with our partner and we all need some “me” time but don’t let it become a daily habit.

A relationship which is the same old, same old every day, without an element of entertainment, will quickly begin to sour.

Even if you are not in a good financial position (who is in the current recession) a little imagination can produce entertaining but <a href=”http://www.country-couples.co.uk/datingtips/10-inexpensive-dates-%E2%80%93-cheap-date-ideas/” target=”_blank”>cheap dates</a>. Just because you are in a long term relationship doesn’t mean you can stop dating or entertaining each other.

So todays A-Z of love tip is to continue to entertain each other.

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Twitter Invaded by Adult Dating Sites

I am not a huge fan of Twitter as I don’t do technology and to be honest I end up spending all day following interesting links and getting no work done.

However, after some time ignoring it and hoping it will go away I decided to give it another whirl tonight and guess what … Twitter has been invaded by adult dating sites.

I logged in tonight to check out the twitter feed of a blogger I particularly enjoy reading (it’s about farming so I won’t bore you with a link).

In my list of friends was a Tweet from Mike at KK Smarts (he’s an adwords guru and a thoroughly nice chap) and being supportive I had a peek and I’m pleased I did.

He has made a video about Tweetdeck showing us less technical people how to use this software. His video is from a business angle but very useful even if you’re just interested in puppies, gardening or limbo dancing.

Ever the student I downloaded Tweetdeck and made great use of the video pause button while I followed Mike’s instructions.

Because I run an online dating site for country people in the UK, write this dating blog and a countryside blog too, I like to stay up to date with what is happening in both the dating industry and the countryside.

Following along with the video I discovered that in Tweetdeck I can create columns and search for Tweets by keywords I enter.

No sooner had I created the search column for “online dating” than tweetdeck started pinging away (must remember to ask Mike how to turn that annoying pinging sound off).

The spam immediately started, at a rate of, on average, 10 Tweets per minute from just one dating site.

Of course all the avatars are of half naked models … and we know how many of those hang out on dating sites in the middle of the night … ahem!!

Most of the Tweets read like this “Indian successful guy 32 years looking for exciting women for kissing” or “Missing some adult fun? S*x makes it better.”

It’s interesting to note that all the male avatars play the “nice guy looking for a woman” card but the female avatars all say “come get some” .. psychology is an amazing advertising tool, I’m sure Mike would agree.

The website in question is tacky online dating site .. ok that’s not the real name and perhaps it’s a nice site if you like no strings encounters but boy they can spam with the best of them.

There are two things worrying me about this site.

First, as soon as I pressed the link the home page announced “members near Edinburgh”. I don’t live anywhere near Edinburgh but because my Twitter and Facebook accounts are linked and Facebook doesn’t have a Cumbria region I ended up ticking Edinburgh. So I’m very curious to know what software this website is using in order to know I am in the Facebook Edinburgh region. It’s just feels like an invasion of my privacy (is there such a thing online?).

Secondly it’s the blantant lying most of these dating sites use. After every Tweet it says “free online adult dating” but of course when you check the site out you soon realise you have to pay to even see all the profiles on the site.

Pure spam, they should go in the spam box with the Nigerian spammers and the letters awarding you £6,000,000 if you just send a cheque for £500.

Although I did have a real giggle when I saw the “report sexually explicit adverts ” button at the bottom of their home page and then went to the join now page (research people, research) and was asked if I give oral or do threesomes (and they are just the questions I could mention on this blog) … gosh nothing sexually explicit about that then!

Of course the site must be making money or they couldn’t afford to pay spammers to drop 10 plus links an hour from numerous Twitter accounts.

It’s just a shame that spammers invade every aspect of our online lives and there is some great dating advice articles linked to on Twitter but of course they just get lost in the spam.

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The A to Z of Love | C

Lets continue our journey through the A to Z of Love with the letter C.

The letter A stood for Admire in our A to Z of Love.

We looked at why it’s important to take time to admire your partner both mentally and physically and how this continued practice can help sustain a loving long term relationship.

Then the letter B stood for Balance in our relationships.

We suggested finding a healthy balance between work and home life, between caring for your children and caring for your partner and balancing our own sexual needs and those of our partner.

The letter C stands for Compliment. Whether you are about to go on your first date with someone, have been dating for 6 months or been married for 20 years, it is important to remember to offer sincere compliments occasionally.

If you are in a long term relationship it is really important to offer regular compliments to your partner. Whether you compliment them on a nicely cooked meal, their parenting or work skills, their abilities at a hobby or if you just regularly remind them of one attributes that makes you love them … everyone enjoys being told what makes them special.

We not only have to learn how to give a sincere compliment but also how to receive one.

Rules for offering compliments:

Be sincere

People have built in radars for insincere compliments so don’t just stand around wracking your brains trying to think of anything you can say to offer a compliment. Yes it’s nice if you can offer a compliment when you first greet someone but it’s better to say nothing at first and wait for inspiration to grab you so you sound sincere.

Use Sparingly

If someone compliments you every ten minutes, even if they are being sincere, it becomes meaningless or they begin to look a bit creepy. That doesn’t mean compliments should be reserved for Birthdays and Christmas but keep it to a maximum of one sincere compliment a week.

Be Specific

“You look nice” is a seriously over-used compliment and is pretty meaningless, as is using compliments the person has heard a thousand times before. Compliments should be personal and should make them feel 6 inches taller. “That shirt looks nice on you” should be “That shirt suits you, the colour brings out the blue in your eyes” (he’ll feel great next time he puts that shirt on) and “You look really pretty” should be “That hairstyle really suits your features”. Pick something specific about the person and use that to compliment them for example “You have a really infectious laugh” or “You have a really good eye for colour/art/interior design”.

Be Original

Try to compliment people on personality traits or physical abilities rather than just the way they look. What is it you like about the person, is it the way they love their pets, their kindness to others or can they swim like a fish or sing like a bird? Do they have a great memory or can they finish the daily crossword while you are still on the first clue? These are the compliments that mean the most because looks are not something we can control but personality traits or physical abilities are things we put effort into learning.

Ask a Question

Many people find it very difficult to accept a compliment, so if possible end your compliment with a question to allow them to answer you instead of responding to the compliment. For example “I really admire the time you give to charity work. What got you involved with it?”.

Practice Giving Compliments

Many people find it difficult to give compliments because they don’t do it very often. Learning to give compliments is so simple, whether it’s a shop assistant, dentist, colleague at work or your next door neighbour .. when you think something nice about them simply say it. It’s easier if you start with your own gender. I just love the smile on someones face when I pay them an unexpected compliment and the more you see the reaction to compliments the more you want to do it.

Rules for accepting a compliment

No Negativity

If someone says your hairstyle suits you do not reply with “I think it looks better shorter/longer/a different colour”. If they say your shirt suits you don’t say “It would look better if I lost a few pounds”. Never respond with “Are you blind”. Negatively responding to compliments will deter people from complimenting you in the future and shows your low self esteem.

Say Thank You

Look them in the eye, smile and say thank you.

That’s it, there’s nothing else to graciously accepting a compliment.

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5 Dating Tips for Long Distance Relationships

Whether you are in a long distance relationship because you met on an online dating website or because one of you has to travel for work, with just a little effort it’s easy to keep the romance alive in a long distance relationship.

Getting through the days of the week can be difficult when you are missing someone, the secret is to keep yourself busy but also find small ways to include your partner in your day to day life.

Check out these 10 gifts for long distance relationships, which are either free or cost very little and will help to keep you feeling closer.

Here are 5 dating tips for couples in long distance relationships which will help to keep your love alive despite the distance and time apart:

Day to Day Life

If you are in the early days of a long distance relationship (ie after you have met once to ensure you know who you are communicating with) then get to know about each others lives visually.

Each get a usb memory stick and fill it with photographs, these can be of your surrounding area, work, your breakfast, hobbies, new shoes, pets or friends.

Remember your new partner will be fascinated by things you find mundane, so just photograph everything and let them get to know about your day to day life.

Photo Friday

This is the age of technology so let’s use it to have some fun. Every Friday send a text to each other stating what sort of photo you want to see. This can be of your partner with the smallest dog they can find, in the shower with a garden gnome or outside a police station wearing handcuffs.

Your partner then has until Sunday lunchtime to send you the photo. Make up some fun forfeits if your partner fails to get the requested photo. Remember to keep photo albums of your exploits for later years.

Plan a Holiday

Even if you are unable to have a holiday together this year or next due to financial or time limitations, still plan a holiday together for when you are able to go away together. Don’t just decide we’ll go to Greece when we can and forget about it.

When you are apart both spend time exploring different destinations, find out about the history of the area, what there is to see or do, the local food, customs, etc … imagine you’re a travel writer and do a write up. Send each other the destinations you find out about and decide together where you would like to go and explore.

This is not only a way to give you both something to look forward to but is also a great way of learning about your long distance partners likes and dislikes.

Learn a Language

Whether it’s German, Spanish or Mandarin start to learn a new language together and send love notes in the new language.

Don’t just reach for google translate, grab a language book and start with the obvious …. I love you … ich liebe dich … te amo … wo ai ne.

Over time you will progress in the language and therefore in your ability to tell your loved one how you feel. You’ll also have a lot of fun when you get it wrong and say “you’re eyes are like jellied eels”.

Have Fun Together

This may sound obvious but many long term long distance relationships suffer because couples wait until they are together to argue, complain or decorate the spare bedroom.

Your time together is not just to sort out domestic arrangements, it should be an enjoyable time or why should your partner make the effort to travel all that way if it’s just to fight or be nagged all weekend?

Get all of the drudgery out of the way on the telephone or preferably internet (with a webcam so you can read body language) and clear the air before your partner visits you, then relax and have fun when you get time together.

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Why Can’t I Find A Husband?

Our mothers and grandmothers didn’t seem to have much trouble finding a husband so why are so many women now complaining they find it almost impossible to find Mr Right?

Time and technology marches on but surely human relationships have remained the same since time began?

Well no, not really.

We only need to look to other cultures to see how different courting rituals are around the world in present days and I do believe we can learn something from arranged marriages but that’s another story.

So has it really become more difficult to find a husband in the past 50 years or have the goal posts simply moved?

Statistics in the UK show that single men outnumber single women by a considerable number, with over a million more single men than women, so why on earth are some women finding it impossible to find a husband?

Here are three reasons your Grandma found a husband but you can’t:

1. The Economy

Our Grandmothers were much more practical people, with “romantic notions” being reserved for the silver screen or a hot cocoa while you read Mills and Boon.

When it came to finding a husband they looked for a provider, a man with a steady income, clean habits and someone their mother approved of. A boring young bank clerk was considered a good catch because he could be a branch manager one day.

Dating opportunities were often limited to the Saturday night dance at the local church hall.

Likewise our Grandfathers grew up knowing they would leave school, find work and then start a family .. it’s just how life went. Playboys were rich and belonged to the upper class.

The economic boom of the eighties and early to mid nineties meant that Steve, the local estate agent, could live a cheap version of a playboys life.

He had his own “bachelor pad”, car, went clubbing every night and could sleep with as many girls as he could cope with (or would say yes) … why on earth would he want to give that up and swap it for a life of nagging and nappies?!

In short our economic situation allowed us to be far more fussy about who we chose as a life partner and therefore limited the number of potential candidates.

2. Technology

I remember my Grandma telling me about my great aunt (the family hussy because she married 4 times), as an actress she went off to Berlin and met, then married husband number three … ooo the shame of it.

For her generation the choice of men was usually limited to their own town or social circle, which limited their expectations.

For us the world is our slimy mollusc, we can now log on to the internet and in seconds be searching dating website databases with a few million members.

But surely that is good news, more people to choose from? Erm, no.

Suddenly the fella down our street seems a lot less attractive when there are chaps out there with sexy French accents or smouldering South American eyes.

So while we sit waiting for Antonio Banderas to come and serenade us Malcolm from down the road met some French tart and went to live in Paris.

We are essentially ignoring what is realistically on offer locally because we’re sure there is something far more exciting on offer in far off lands (or at least in another city).

3. Granny Held Out

My father often jokes about having spent a whole year trying to get his hand up my mothers jumper … bless him, he never managed it but wow did he have fun trying and he couldn’t wait to marry my mother to sample her delights.

Then the sexual revolution hit town and terms like ‘one night stand’ and ‘co-habitation’ entered our vocabulary.

Even my mothers generation had the sense to know you can lead a man anywhere, even to the altar, by his privates.

Just browse the internet and see how many times women ask how long they should wait until they sleep with a man (a week, a month, 3 months) …. our Grandma’s had a simple answer to this question …. until he puts a wedding ring on your finger.

Women’s liberation has given us so many choices, many our Grandmothers would never have thought of but in reality they settled for less and found it easier to find a husband.

We now want the whole nine yards and then sit back and wonder why we can’t find a husband. That doesn’t mean we should all settle for the first person to turn up and ask us on a date but perhaps we should be taking a leaf out of Grandma’s book and being a little more practical about our search for a husband.

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Cached at: 6:19:24 PM

Ideas For Expressing Yourself This V-Day

I just read an article called “8 Tips For Renewing Your Relationship This Valentine’s Day” by couples therapist and educator Marty Babits, LCSW, BCD.  Babits wrote a relationship advice book “The Power of The Middle Ground:  A Couple’s Guide to Renewing Your Relationship” that is actually top on my list of relationship books to read right now.  Ideas about balance and adaptation are the underlying themes throughout all of my articles about relationships, so I’m looking forward to finding out what this professional has to say about couples finding a middle ground.

In Babits’ 8 Tips, I picked out my favorites that offer sweet and easy ideas that just ask you to take a few moments to look inside yourself and think about the feelings you have for your partner.  Valentine’s Day might seem cheesy and silly, but if it’s the one time of year that you really force yourself to express yourself and get in touch with your relationship feelings, then it could be a very emotional and beneficial experience for your relationship.

Tip #1:  Pick at lease three qualities about your partner that you love.  Gift each one of these with something special. Examples: give her a CD by her favorite recording artist in celebration of whatever you consider to be her (or his) most appealing facial feature. Choose a clothing accessory that includes the color that you think best flatters your partner and celebrate the way they look in that color.  Focus on the thought over the gift.  If you can’t come up with gifts to match the qualities, then just find a special way to share the qualities that you have chosen.

Tip #2:  Look your partner in the eye and tell them three things that you love about them. This sounds so simple, but if you were on the receiving end of this I truly feel that it would touch you emotionally and strengthen the bond between you and your partner.  (This would be a tearjerker for me…)

Tip #3: Think about something that you and your partner have had trouble coming to terms with in the past year.  Give a commitment to improve your own ability to speak about the topic without blaming them.  Tell your partner that you are going to accentuate understanding the issue from their point of view and that you are hoping to have fewer hurtful arguments this coming year.  Arguments that come up again and again are tough and can make you doubt your ability to ever move forward.  Recognize how important it is to put in extra effort in these areas.

You can find out more about Marty Babits and the “The Power of the Middle Ground” at www.powerofthemiddleground.com.  I’ll post a review of the book when I read it!

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Ideas For Expressing Yourself This V-Day

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Valentine’s Day Couples Date Ideas

Who says Valentine’s Day is only for two people? It can be a day to celebrate the love of your honey, your friends, or some combination of the two. Sometimes couples who are good friends with another couple can have just as great a time. Here are a few ideas if you’re celebrating February 14th with another couples.

Game Nights

Game nights are great fun, and in this economy, it’s a night of cheap entertainment. Games like Cranium, Settlers, and Apples to Apples are perfect for couples to play.

Movie Night

Romantic comedies work best in this setting, but hey, it’s your movie night! If you’re into horror or action flicks, go for it. However, it’s best to keep things light so try and avoid heavy dramatic movies if you can.

Brunch

The great part about brunch is that the four of you can have a blast, and then you can each go home and have a private celebration on your own if you’d like. Brunch is nice, light meal that goes a long way towards the goodwill of Valentine’s Day.

Grill Out/Bake Off

Who says the four of you need to sit around a restaurant? Why not have a combination grilling out/baking party? Get out your favorite recipes, pull out that hamburger you’ve been wanting to make, and create. You know heart-shaped hamburgers are about the best thing ever, don’t you?

Image: Zuma Press

Post from: Blisstree

Valentine’s Day Couples Date Ideas

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Online Dating Meets Love At First Sight

A new mobile app called Urban Signals cleverly combines the technology of GPS-enabled phones with online dating profiles to connect people instantaneously.  Urban Signals allows you to use a map on your phone to spot other singles around you and instantly send or receive messages.  It sounds like a pretty fun idea to me!

Aubree Nichols, the founder and CEO of Urban Signals, designed the program after living in New York and developing a fascination with urban behavior and “missed connections.”  It is definitely true that sometimes you are walking down the street and just spot someone who looks cool, attractive, interesting, whatever it is and then in a second they are gone and you never see them again.  Sometimes their image might even stick in your head for awhile as you imagine what could have happened if you had the guts to just talk to them…but then *poof* the moment has passed and the possibilities disappear forever (I suddenly am thinking of James Blunt’s “You’re Beautiful”…if only he had Urban Signals).

Urban Signals combines social networking and online dating features with mobile tracking.  You can be notified if someone matching your preferences is in your vicinity, spot them on the map, and then look around you to see which person it is….sounds like endless hours of fun!  If you’re interested you can send a little signal and wait to see if you get a response.  The best way to understand how the program works is to watch the video on the Urban Signals website.

I am always investigating how technology is changing the way people fall in love.  Do you even remember what dating was like before texting, cell phones, email, social networking programs, and online dating?  Urban Signals is currently a free download for iPhone and iTouch customers at the iTunes store.  New users are given a 1-month trial free.  Go online to www.urbansignals.net to find out more!

Post from: Blisstree

Online Dating Meets Love At First Sight

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Jack Cards Winner

Did you enter the fabulous giveaway we held for Jack Cards? If so, today is the day we announce the winner! As always, our winner was chosen randomly using random.org. Our winner was the fifth commenter, tanyetta. Congrats to her! Remember that if you didn’t win, Jack Cards are a wonderful and affordable product (and service, if you have them mailed out) so be sure to visit their website.

As part of the giveaway, I also asked you all for the sweetest thing you’ve ever given or received for Valentine’s Day. Here are some of your responses:

JodyLynn:
The sweetest Valentine’s gift I’ve ever received was a beaded bracelet handmade by my husband. So impressive! I cherish it!

Sara Lang:
My boyfriend is taking me on a romantic, three day trip to the mountains. So sweet!

Hannah B.:
I guess the sweetest thing I’ve ever gotten was a big red velvet box of Godiva chocolates. It’s probably not the kind of “sweet” that you meant, but it happens to be exactly what I wanted!

Gillian:
The cutest and most thoughtful thing I would have to say is my book on Yellowstone.

Now that maybe does not sound very romantic but we live in different countries and he searched through many different thrift shops until he found the book I had been complaining that I couldn’t get!! The book was a little dog eared but this just added to its character

Teresa M:
The sweetest thing I ever rec’d was a mailed package with small, medium, and large sized valentine cards all hand made and beautifully scripted. The medium-sized card had an original hand-written poem about me!

Post from: Blisstree

Jack Cards Winner

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Is This a Good Date Activity?

I get asked a lot what is a good (or bad) date activity. Typical questions are something like:

• “Is going to a movie a good first date?”
• “I love football, but will my girl want to watch the game on a date?”
• “Can we head to the gym as part of a date?”

The answer to all of these questions is, sure! With a caveat: your date has to be into the same activity or interest as you. For example, on the football date question, of course you both can watch the game and have it be a great time. But if your gal isn’t into football, it won’t be much fun for either of you.

In the early part of your relationship, it’s really important that you talk about the types of things you enjoy doing. Having a bad or boring date can make you think negatively about someone who would otherwise be perfect for you. So it’s vital to discuss it.

The key to a good date, no matter what you do, is to be able to connect. Time for discussion is very important. So even with something like a movie date, where you are not talking for two hours, you can still connect if you allow time for coffee or dinner afterwards.

The two of you are naturally going to have some common ground, and some things one of you enjoys doing and the other doesn’t. That’s okay. In fact, it’s a good thing. But in the beginning, find out what the two of you might have in common so you can ensure that your dates will be happy ones.

Image: sxc.hu.

Post from: Blisstree

Is This a Good Date Activity?

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Keep Valentine’s Day Romance Throughout the Year

By Guest Blogger Dawn Meisch

While the traditional gifts of Valentine’s Day of flowers and candy are wonderful, this year surprise your special someone with a gift that will last throughout the year. It’s important to show our loved ones we care the entire year, not just one one day. Thoughtful ideas to create more romance throughout the year will be more appreciated than a one-time gift of a candy heart and a bouquet of roses.

There are many gift options that keep the fire going all year long.

A “Love Note” Mailbox - Buy a small mailbox with a usable flag, and use it to leave love notes to your certain someone. Leave a message that says “I Love You” the day before an important meeting or to leave clues for a scavenger hunt with a gift at the end. Be sure to let your Valentine know that the flag in the up position means that they’ve got mail.

Monthly Tea or Coffee Blend – Sign your loved one up for a Coffee or Tea of the Month Club. Tuck a gift message into a special mug in a holiday color like Sengware’s Pimento letting him or her know what to expect in the coming months. Whether your special someone prefers coffee or tea, they will appreciate the thoughtful gift each month when their selection arrives.

Magazine Subscription – Almost every hobby has a magazine dedicated to it. Buy one issue and let your recipient know that it will be coming for the next year. Each time they get one in the mail, they will be happy as they remember you wanted to give them something important to them.

Learn Something Together – Sign you and your Valentine up for a class for a unique way to spend time together and learn something in the process. Many community colleges offer continuing education classes on subjects such as Wine Tasting, Cooking, or Foreign Languages. City or county recreational departments also have offerings in various subjects of interest. After the class is finished, practicing a new skill is a great way to spend time together.

Time Saving Dinnerware - If your significant other loves to entertain, you may know that planning a successful party takes time and effort. Save your significant other time with Sengware dinnerware which he or she will love for its ease of use and the ability to can go from the freezer to the oven to the table.

Living Plants or Herbs – An herb or plant garden can bring enjoyment throughout the year. Give your special person a herb growing kit or a living plant. Choose hardy native plants if it will be transferred outside when spring arrives or select something hardy like bamboo or cactus that requires little work to maintain.

Use your these ideas and your imagination to select a gift for your loved one this year. It will be sure to be special when your Valentine realizes the thought and care that went into choosing their gift. They will feel appreciated and special when reminded of your love by the gifts that continue to give throughout the year.

Post from: Blisstree

Keep Valentine’s Day Romance Throughout the Year

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Why Online Dating Has a Bad Rap

We recently talked about online dating and whether it was for “desperate people.” (Result: no way!) Then, last week I was talking with the Q100 Bert Show in Atlanta, and one of the questions they asked me for whether online dating had a bad rap.

Want to know what I said? The answer might surprise you but I said online dating did have a bad rap! But it shouldn’t. Online dating is a great way to get introduced to people, but here are some reasons why it gets a bad rap.

People Who Have Never Tried Online Dating Complain About It
Married or attached people can become very smug about dating, can’t they? They may look down their nose at online dating as being desperate simply because they met their special someone a different way. Don’t pay attention to the people who have never tried it.

Horror Stories Make Better News Items
I personally know several people who have benefited from online dating. Still, when I read the news all I seem to hear about are people who had bad experiences. The news tends to slant the story to the more dramatic, remember that the next time you hear about a horror story.

Negativity Never Works
Nearly everyone that has complained about online dating to me are people that either haven’t done it themselves or someone that went in with such a poor attitude there was no way there they were going to succeed. Negativity (complaining about the lack of quality people, whining on a date about your ex’s) doesn’t work in online dating. (Or, for that matter, in any kind of dating.)

Image: sxc.hu.

Post from: Blisstree

Why Online Dating Has a Bad Rap

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Help! I’m Obsessed With His Past

The past can make a strong and ugly appearance in the present…if you let it.  His past experiences related to sex, love, drugs, or bad decisions could get into your head and haunt you forever.  Why did he do those things?  What does it say about who he is?  What does it say about you?  The questions could keep coming and you can be certain that you will never get any answers that help you to get over it.

I’ve experienced and witnessed many many relationships where one becomes absolutely obsessed with the past of the other.  These usually occur when one person is more “experienced” in certain areas or when situations in your past make you put these situations on your significant other.  It happens to both boyfriends and girlfriends and can be a painful fight that comes up again and again.

Getting over someone’s past can be one of the most difficult experiences that you encounter in your relationship, but I guarantee that when you finally let it go you will feel free and open to deciding what the future may hold for you and your loved one.  The longer you obsess over the past, the longer you are giving power to situations that you can not control.  Strength in any relationship comes from realizing that you can find happiness in what you have the ability to control.  The past is the past…it is there and it will not go away.  It will not change, and there is nothing you can do to erase it.

It’s okay to have feelings about someone’s past, but you need to stop yourself from obsessing over it.  Obviously obsessions of any type are unhealthy, but behaviors like Facebook stalking, Googling obsessively, eavesdropping on private conversations, snooping through his things, and reading his emails signal dangerous behavior that will only result in hurting yourself.  There is no need to find details about the past…it will only feed your obsession and cause you to ask more accusatory questions.

If you are obsessed with your partner’s past you need to analyze it closely to figure out what to do.

• How do his decisions in the past affect who he is today? Truly and honestly think about this.  If bad decisions like lying and cheating occurred in his past, it is up to you to decide if you want to start from a clean slate or hold onto those indicators.  If you decide that those problems still exist, then you need to consider ending the relationship.  If you decide that he has learned from his past and moved forward, then let him move forward.

• Does your obsession relate to something in your own past? Sometimes obsessions with the past can be projections that indicate insecurities about your own past.  Have you cheated, lied, or engaged in bad relationship behaviors that you are putting on your significant other?

• Is he not letting go of the past? If he is the one who is holding onto the past through behaviors like flirting with ex-girlfriends and talking about past experiences constantly, then it is not you who is obsessed…it is him!  You need to have an open and honest discussion about this issue and decide if there is a reason why he is holding onto his past…unfortunately it could mean that he is not ready to move forward.

Don’t beat yourself up for obsessing over the past…just realize that it can be immature and hurtful to yourself if it is not based on any logical reasons.  You could possibly be in an amazing relationship that does not need to involve the past at all.  Don’t allow situations that you have no control over to determine the happiness in your relationship.

Post from: Blisstree

Help! I’m Obsessed With His Past

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Get a Date by Valentine’s Day!

We’ve talked quite a bit about Valentine’s Day the last few weeks, but I realize there is some pressure to go out on February 14th. Besides that, some of you really, really enjoy the holiday (and there is nothing wrong with that.) So if you’d like to go out and don’t have a date yet, here are some ways to get one. These suggestions are for a date – not the love of your life! In other words, it may be someone that you just go out with once. That’s okay. Remember, dating is an adventure and it should be a fun one.

You’ve got about two weeks – plenty of time.

Set Ups
Chances are, your pals have plenty of guys or girls in mind for you to go out with. Again, it may not be someone you’ll see again and again, but for a casual night where you just go out and enjoy yourself? It will work. Be agreeable and appreciate your friend for offering.

Speed Dating
This is the time of year speed dating really kicks into gear. Many places hold speed dating events for the very purpose of meeting someone by Valentine’s Day. Take advantage of it.

Lunch Dating
Don’t like online dating? Try lunch dating. You meet for an hour over lunch or dinner. The dating service sets it up for you. What could be easier?

Online Dating
Listen, online dating will open up a whole new world of people for you. Think about getting a date, not a love match for life. There are a lot of great guys and gals just looking for someone to meet and go for a drink or coffee with. Open up your mind and dig through the profiles. Give people a break. Not everyone will have a fabulous profile, so give them the benefit of the doubt. Maybe they are cuter in person than it seems on their picture. Maybe their personality is so much better in person than it is online. Email a few folks today and you could easily have a date by Valentine’s Day.

Image: sxc.hu.

Post from: Blisstree

Get a Date by Valentine’s Day!

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Ways Facebook Can Improve Your Dating Life

Facebook is one of the most fabulous ways to keep in touch with people around. It can help you and your friends stay connected, and can even reconnect with someone you’ve lost contact with. It can also improve your dating life. Here’s how.

Getting to Know Your Guy or Girl
Why you should not friend your date too quickly, when you do become pals on Facebook, it can help you learn that much more about them. What do they use Facebook for? Are they kind to people? Do they comment nicely on others pages or pick fights? Do they hang onto pictures from the past and never post anything recent? Are they living in the present day or counting the minutes until the next high school reunion? All of these questions can be answered by doing a little observation on Facebook.

Is Your Partner In Touch With Ex’s?
I’ve never seen a method that makes it easier to reconnect with ex’s than Facebook. They practically deliver an ex right to your inbox. So if that easy for you to reconnect with an ex, you know it’s going to be just as easy for your partner as well. And yes, since you are a Facebook friend you can see how much connecting he or she does.

For example, does your partner flirt with his or her ex’s? Or just chat? Do they visit their ex’s page every day? Do they talk about you to the ex? All of these things indicate how serious they are about you. The reality is that if your guy or girl is really into you, he or she is going to make sure they don’t blow it. That includes blabbing details about your relationship to the ex. It may not be what you want to hear or see, but at least you’ll know the truth. That’s a good thing!

Image: sxc.hu.

Post from: Blisstree

Ways Facebook Can Improve Your Dating Life

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Cached at: 6:19:24 PM

The Sex Checklist

by Emma Frisoni

The rain hitting the windows softly glowed as he lit each candle and placed it in its sconce. The mustardy gold walls gave off an amber hue in the candlelight and his brown eyes were deep with desire. I sipped prosecco as I leaned against the pillows, seductively arranged in only my bra, garter and thigh highs; waiting as he turned on his iPod to a soft ambient playlist…

Although the setting was near perfect, I was still nervous. It wasn’t like it was my first time, but it was with him and I didn’t want to mess it up. I had known him for a few months and the chemistry was there, the sexual tension was strong and now that it was finally time, I was afraid?? While trying to look effortlessly sexy, I went through my mental checklist:

• Brazilian – check
• Hair styled perfectly – check
• Perfume behind the knees – check
• Light dusting of baby powder “down there” – check
• Shaved legs and armpits – check
• Waterproof mascara – check
• Deodorant – check
• Listerine – check
• Manicure/pedicure – check

Everything was done, so what was I so worried about? Maybe he won’t like the baby powder scent? Or the perfume. Was my breath too listerine-y? I knew the mascara wasn’t running because it was waterproof. I took another sip of prosecco and decided to enjoy the moment.

What is your checklist? Do you have one – just for new partners or for the one you’ve been with for awhile? Did I miss anything on mine? Tell me! I’d love to hear!

image: panties

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Too Late For Love – Part 1

by Simon Cole

The woman I love is marrying another man this weekend.

I met Mariska at the start of our final semester in college. I’d made a mistake on my schedule and showed up for the wrong class. I walked through the lecture room door, surprised to see about 20 chairs arranged in a circle.

She sat there. It was just us. Her hiking boots shed melting snow into a slowly growing puddle at her heels. She didn’t care. She was jut there, present, waiting. There were 19 available seats.

I can’t tell you what it was that made me long to know her but I did. I chose the seat directly to her right. I sat and turned toward her.

Hi, my name is Simon.

Wow. You’re very friendly. I’m Mariska.

Not all the time. I just wanted to meet you.

There’s nobody else here to meet.

That’s true. Tell me why none of the buttons on your sweater match and I’ll leave you alone.

She did. I didn’t leave her alone.

We kept talking. It turned out I had shown up for an advanced Spanish Language class. Other students showed up. We kept talking. The professor walked in and prepared to begin class.

I’ve got to go.

It’d be funny to see how long you could go before she [the professor] throws you out of class.

True. I’ll head out though. How can I make sure to see you around?

She tore a corner from her notebook and quickly wrote two numbers. A phone number and a time.

Call this number at this time in exactly 2 days. I’ll answer and we can get lunch. Call at exactly that time.

That seemed pretty strange. I could dig it. I waited, I called, we had lunch. What followed was three of the most emotionally fulfilling months in my existence. I had found a person who really saw me. She would walk past all the bullshit excuses I gave for inferior work, bad choices, and uncertainty about what I wanted from life. She pushed, she pulled, and she loved with all her heart.

One late Friday night in early March, we went for an aimless walk around campus. The sidewalks were wet with melting snow and bits of salted sand crunched beneath our feet. It was getting cold. I moved my right hand from Mariska’s gloved clasp to the warmth of my pea coat pocket. She looped her arm through mine and pressed her shoulder against my arm.

What’s up?

I’m sorry for being so terrible in bed.

She hadn’t expected me to say that. I knew I was though. I was fun to be with whenever I had my clothes on, but the moment I stripped–it’s as if I took on a whole different persona–I was uptight and methodical. I was not a joyful lover and I knew it.

I want to tell you why I’m so awkward in bed.

I like having sex with you. I like sleeping with you. I like being with you. If you were unable to have sex I would still want to be with you. Just know that.

I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t planned on ever saying anything. I felt sheepish, stupid, and embarrassed to have mentioned the subject at all.

So?

I was introduced to sex earlier than most people are. A friend of my parents thought it would be good to have a little fun with me when I was seven. I fit neatly into the stereotype of the little boy in the wrong place at the wrong time. He was the pastor of an adoring congregation. I was the child delivered into his care by trusting parents. I don’t know why I’m talking about this now. It’s something I’ve talked to a therapist about but he said I seemed to have things worked out. I’m not sure I do. I wish I’d told somebody. I wish I could know that other kids didn’t go through the same thing. I wish I could be with you the same way you are with me. I wish I didn’t hold back. I’m sorry.

I choked out the apology. I didn’t know what else to say. I didn’t know what she’d say.

She didn’t say anything. We had stopped near a bench. Its dark iron curves were too wet to sit on. Mariska slipped her arm out of mine and, grabbing my elbow, pulled me toward the bench. She hopped up onto the bench, her 5′2 frame towering above me. She unzipped her coat.

Come here.

I hadn’t known what to expect. I certainly hadn’t expected this. I had thought she’d say something. I thought she’d ask questions like all the others had. She said nothing. As I stepped close, she directed my hands inside her coat. I wrapped my arms around her waist, my grasp resting on her hips. She was so warm. I don’t remember if she was wearing a sweater underneath her coat or just a shirt. I was too caught up in the silence to care. She pulled me into her warmth, one hand twined in my hair as the other dropped to press against my back. She pressed her face against my hair. My world was absolutely silent but for the steady bump, bump, bump of her heartbeat. Or was it mine?

She said something into my hair, realized I probably didn’t hear it, and said it again.

Thank you for staying alive.

How could she have known about all the times I’d considered the benefits of not living? How could she have known that I’d said all I could and that asking more would be too much to ask? How could she have known precisely what I needed at that very moment?

She just did. Mariska was like that. She still is like that. I was immediately reminded of that fact when I heard her voice this past Sunday.

Simon? It’s Mariska. Do you have a moment to talk? I got your letter.

To be continued…

Image: Bachuas

Too Late For Love – (Part 1)

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What Is The Right Age To Start Having Sex?

by Amelia Holzapfel

My 13 year-old cousin recently asked me what I thought to be the right age for her to start having sex.

Cousin: What’s the right age to start having sex?

Me: What’s the right age to start having babies?

Cousin: Um, probably 20 years old. At least not until you have a job you like.

Me: Then you probably shouldn’t start making babies until you’re the right age to have them.

Cousin: What if I don’t let him (her 15 year-old boyfriend) put it in my, um, in me?

Me: In your vagina?

Cousin: Yeah.

Me: Then you’ve still got a whole list of things to worry about. Do you really want to have sex with him?

Cousin: Well, yes. Mostly? All the other girls are doing it with their boyfriends.

Her mom walked into the room at this point and we didn’t get a chance to finish the conversation before I left. I owe her a phone call and I can’t help but feel like I don’t have a good answer for her.

What’s the right age to start having sex?

When you take pregnancy out of the equation and you’re dealing with a young teen who feels invincible and is convinced her boy is clean, how do you convince her to wait? Should she?

What’s the right age to start having sex? I know I wish I’d waited. But I don’t know how I’d have convinced myself as a 14 year-old (just one year older than my cousin is!) to ignore what other girls were doing and wait for a guy who was actually interested in me as a person.

Do you have any insight you’d be willing to share? I’d love it if you took a moment to chime in on this!

Love, Amelia

Image: MissPiano

What Is The Right Age To Start Having Sex?

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How To Sleep Alone

Sleeping alone is nothing more than a necessary evil.

There are few things more comforting in life than surrendering yourself to sleep in the arms of someone who loves you. If you’ve suddenly found yourself alone after being used to sharing your bed, the simple act of falling asleep can become a dreaded affair.

Still, you gotta sleep.

How To Sleep Alone – The Bed

Have you ever walked through the bedding department of your favorite home store, looked left, looked right, ignored the hidden security cameras and fallen with arms spread-eagle, onto the luxuriously inviting coordinated extra fluffy display bed?

Now, think about your bed. How does it compare?

If your mattress is poky, your winter blankets are out-of-the-storage-box musty and your linens are covered in scratchy pill, bed is the last place you want to go to relax.

A change of perspective can be as easy as flipping the mattress and changing the sheets. Maintain this feeling by taking a few moments to make up your bed before you leave your room in the morning. When it’s time for bed, you won’t need an invitation.

How To Sleep Alone – The Timing

While a set “bed time” might evoke thoughts of sticker charts and character clad toothbrushes, it’s not just for kids. The National Sleep Foundation suggests having a regular bedtime and waking time, even on weekends, “strengthens the circadian function and can help with sleep onset at night.”

Once your body is accustomed to a rhythm, it will naturally feel tired at the same time each day. Cell phone or email reminders are a very grown-up way to let you know that bedtime is approaching.

How To Sleep Alone – Getting It Done

The hardest part of going to bed alone is actually getting into bed. Do it. It’s one thing to stay awake in front of a computer in the living room, another to be laying in bed with your head on your fresh, soft pillow. One gives your body cues it should be sleeping, the other reminds you your Farmville creatures are starving.

Once you’re in bed, resist the urge to fiddle with your iPhone. Instead keep a simple notebook within arm’s reach in case you need to release some thoughts for an upcoming article, so that your mind can relax. Instead of counting sheep, think of positive things that happened in the last 12 hours. Smile.

Say goodnight to the mush (aff), and then lay still and relax each part of you starting at your feet.

Tomorrow is a new day.

About the author: Sarah said she’d follow her husband Tom to the ends of the earth. He called her bluff, and they moved from their house in Pennsylvania to live by the sea in northern Japan. They homeschool their five progeny, all born after 2001. She loves people, writes for fun and thinks about God constantly. You can find her blog at http://sarahjoyalbrecht.com or follow her @mrsalbrecht on Twitter.

Image: TAGG

How To Sleep Alone

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12 Signs You’ve Found A Real Man

by Amelia Holzapfel

“There just aren’t any good men in this town.” Pouted my friend Ashley as we waited for our food to arrive. My response? The trick isn’t to find a “good man” but to find one who is real and figure out if you can learn to deal with his imperfections. Ashley needs a real man, I need a real man who only responds to my booty calls, and you?
Here are 12 signs the man you’ve found is a real man. It’s up to you what you do with him after you find him.

1. He’s Observant –

Not only will he see the man wearing a blue shirt in this photo, he’ll notice when you get your hair cut, wear a new outfit, or drop a pound or two. He’ll still notice other women. That’s okay. He notices pretty much everything. We all notice huge boobs, right? Don’t hate. He’s just being real with you.

2. He’s Got Tact –

He knows when to be silent. It’s great to have a man who knows how to say the right thing. That’s not as important as having a man who knows when to be silent and just hold you when you’ve had a shit day. A real man might not be able to woo your parents with thoughtful commentary but the worst they’ll think is that he’s quiet. Being quiet is a far better trait than being stupid. A real man tries not to be stupid when he can help it.

3. He’s Accepting –

If you’ve always wanted to pretend like you were Arielle from The Little Mermaid and have a handsome prince snatch your lithe self from the waves, a real man will play along because he knows it’s something you want. Of course, doing anything naked will make a real man more agreeable. Want to yell at him? Do it naked and he’ll be less likely to resent you for it.

4. He’s Flexible –

A real man might not be able to touch his own toes, let alone bend into a human pretzel. But he will be able to sleep on concrete, wear the same clothes for days, and survive for indefinite periods of time in beer and ramen noodles. Any man who says he couldn’t survive under the same conditions is either lying to appeal to your fair nose or is hiding a sex change. If he’s being real with you, he’ll admit to his, um, flexibility when it comes to lifestyle options. How is this good for you? A real man’s flexibility means he’ll be able to take your ups and downs, curves and flats, and wild ideas in stride. If a real man loves you, he’ll flex to you. That’s huge.

5. He Can Amuse Himself –

A real man doesn’t wait around for you to keep him company and make him laugh. He finds his own stuff to do. You might find everything he does to be entirely amusing or sanitary, but that’s not the point. A real man doesn’t expect you to love everything he does in pursuit of amusement. Goodness, be happy that he doesn’t look to you as his sole source of amusement! Be real with yourself for a moment: You’re probably not that interesting. Want a real man to stick with you? Encourage him to seek his own hobbies and amusements. This doesn’t mean you have to encourage him to belch out the American anthem during dinner out. What it does mean is that you don’t have to constantly worry about impressing or amusing him. He can find his own laughs sometimes.

6. He’s Confident –

He isn’t afraid to admit when he’s wrong or isn’t sure of things. Well, most of the time. If he thinks you’ll mock him or think less of him for not knowing something, he’ll try to gain time so he can figure things out. Remember how I said that a real man tries not to be stupid? That’s a benefit when it comes to avoiding embarrassment but also a downside when you’re trying to figure things out quickly.

Let a real man know you accept him, flaws included, and he’ll be better about admitting to those flaws. You have the power to make your man feel like shit or THE shit. A real man won’t expect you to coddle him but he’ll appreciate it and respond well when you take the time to let him know you think he’s awesome… mostly.

7. He Has A Sense Of Humor –

A real man knows how to take a joke and never takes himself too seriously.

8. He Takes Time For Himself –

A real man knows he needs time for himself to sort through things and just enjoy life. This comes in different forms for different men but suffice it to say that if you don’t let him have time for himself, he’ll go nuts on you. Learn to recognize when he’s built up a lot of mental tension and let him go. It’s not the sort of tension you can fix with a quickie (although that can help). A real man doesn’t need time alone because he hates you. He needs it so that he won’t learn to hate you. Let him have it.

9. He’s Compassionate –

A real man cares about others even if he doesn’t always show it. He might not run around trying to find people to help but if he sees somebody in need, a real man will almost always try to help. When you first start spending time with a real man he’ll often ask if he can do anything to help when you’re having a bad day.

Avoid telling him to leave you alone even if that’s what you really want. Doing so will make him feel like you don’t want his help. That’s a crusher. Give him something to do and smile when he does it. He’ll keep trying and trying and trying to make you happy. Real men are handy like that.

10. He’s True To His Word –

He’ll do everything in his power to keep his promises. Even if that means doing something idiotic like eating 50 eggs.

11. He’s Brave –

A real man isn’t afraid to try new things, take calculated risks, or jump headlong into crazy ideas. If he was, chances are he wouldn’t try a relationship with you. (Or me, I’ll admit to a bit of the crazy bug.) The only thing most real men are afraid of is losing the respect of the women they love. That might sound cheesy but I’ve seen enough men break down when I got bored of them to know it’s true.

12. He’s Patient –

A real man won’t try to force you to be with him. He’ll try to impress you and convince you that he’s worth your time, but he won’t force you to do anything. If you find a real man you won’t have to worry about unwanted groping, date rape, or worse. He’ll take the time to get to know you and take things at a speed you’re comfortable with.

A real man will wait for you to open your arms to him. If you find one, you’d best open them quickly before some smarter women comes along to claim him for herself. Don’t hate. As you’re well aware, it’s hard to find a real man these days.

Have you found a real man? Perhaps you have some traits of a real man to add from your personal experience? Let me know!

Images: Lou Varone, Borghetti, PurpleMattFish, BombDog, SlightlyNorth, Omnia Mutantur, A Pinna, PaulQi, Svenwerk, Vogfld

12 Signs You’ve Found A Real Man

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A Gay Male’s Take on Dating a Person with HIV

by Zeke Hillyard

A lot of people think HIV is simply a “gay thing.”

Therefore, a quick bit of mind candy: Over half the world’s HIV/AIDS cases are women. A simple math deduction demonstrates that there are a lot more heterosexual people with HIV than not. Because of that, this topic needs a more universal treatment. A great magazine called POZ (found at www.poz.com), does a great job of this, but its usual audience is people who are already HIV positive.

I’m 36 now, gay, and married (or not, depending on the current status of Proposition 8). It wasn’t always that way. Once I was 28, alone, insecure and afraid the day I got the phone call during which I was informed I was HIV positive. I’m still insecure and sometimes afraid; however, I’ve learned I’m never alone.

Because we so rarely talk about HIV in a casual sense, the acronyms become a series of scary letters one associates with disease and death; the discrimination is insidious, and yet clear. Dating advertisements request “drug, disease free” people for dating.

In my experience, people are far more worried about HIV as the particular disease and are quite happy to ignore that second hand smoking alone cause more fatalities than AIDS, as do smoking and drinking. Yet, we often are willing to overlook these because we think we understand them better.

So, a little info. HIV stands for “Human Immunodeficiency Virus.” This simply means it occurs in humans, attacks the immune system, and is cause by a particular type of virus called a retrovirus. The “A” in AIDS (never use small letters) means Acquired—you get it from others, just like cancer from second-hand smoke. “I” means “Immune,” and refers to the idea one’s immune system is affected. “D” stands for Deficiency and it follows that one has a deficiency of immunity in the form of a white blood cell called a T4 or CD4 cell or, more popularly, a “T cell”. “S” means there are a series of illnesses that happen to people whose immune systems are deficient that exist anyway, but are rare in people whose immune systems are working.

One of these happens to be illnesses is a common one called Toxoplasmosis. I have this. I caught it from changing my cat’s little box (pregnant women are prone to this as well. However, I do not have AIDS because it also requires a very low T cell count, which I do not have.) These details I’ve presented are very simplified. You can get accurate, up-to-date information from a great website called The Body, the Centers for Disease Control, or the World Health Organization.

Make no mistake, HIV, and thus logically, AIDS, are incurable; however, they in no way make someone untouchable or unloveable. And to those men and women with either HIV or AIDS, they do not mean you have to stop dating. However, if you wish to maintain your personal integrity, and also a find a better date, your honesty about your status will go a long way to making this happen.

Before and after HIV, I had no trouble getting dates. My big mouth and other personality flaws did not change, and I made many of the foibles that Seth writes about that make his blog so fun and heartwarming to read. When we have HIV or AIDS, I think it’s safe to say one’s biggest fears are rejection and ostracism—especially if one’s status is kept secret or one lives in a smaller town. These are chances one takes and they take bravery. Braver still are those willing to risk rejection and ostracism by saying, “I don’t care” and dating you anyway.

Many of these people have discovered that dating isn’t just about sex, it’s about exploring and experiencing different people, searching for someone with whom we might spend a week or the rest of our lives with.

To those looking to date but fear disclosure, ask yourself; what is the worst thing that can happen? Rejection? Will your life be at stake? Think carefully. Practice in front of a mirror or with a trusted friend. To those who fear being labeled HIV positive by association, look in the mirror, there’s something there that isn’t ready for acceptance, and it’s not about the person with HIV.

Take HIV as a challenge. Find ways to enjoy life without sex. My first date with the love of my life took place on the kiddie coaster in Seattle Center. I cry as I write this, as he sleeps, soundly, in the other room. You see, we married last year after being together for five. He’s still HIV negative. We have plenty of sex and we do so much more. He is my world and when I think I turned him down four times before I said yes, I don’t know what I could have been thinking.

Incidentally, it wasn’t fear of telling him. When I disclosed my status to my future husband, hoping to turn him away, he said, “I don’t care, it’s just a virus.” That put me in quite a pickle. Had I been honest and said, “I’m just not interested in you,” Life would haver been very different. He was right, of course. It is difficult, and easy to avoid contracting HIV, and it certainly wasn’t the end of my world. In fact, I’ll probably outlive him even though he’s only two years older than me.

For those who are curious, I began dating him after I got a reference from his old landlord. My old landlord. The first time Johnny came to my house, we discovered that we had lived in the same exact studio; he was the previous tenant. I was the currently one. Lois (our mutual landlady and wise soul) told me Johnny was a great guy and helped me give myself permission to partake in the most amazing journey I’ve been on to date, a journey with many side trips, love, and laughter. Had I said “no” again, I might still be looking for that “perfect date” that was right there under my nose four times.

Thus endeth the lesson. Thank you, Seth, for honoring me with a place on my favorite blog.

Zeke Hillyard is the founder and facilitator of symbiotic ∞ internetworks, a human services consulting collaborative. When he can afford it, he goes to school to study human systems theory and self-organizing systems. He is a recent Power Lab graduate and holds a bachelor’s degree in Human Services from Western Washington University. When his server’s Internet provider isn’t messing with his IP addresses, he keeps a blog. He builds custom computers to support his research and lives in North Las Vegas, NV. Follow him on Twitter or reach him by email through z [at]symbioticinternetworks.com.

Image: CarbonNYC

A Gay Male’s Take on Dating a Person with HIV

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An Open Letter To Men

By Amelia Holzapfel

Dear Men,

Every month (when I’m not super-lean from running) my body realizes I foiled its attempt at reproduction and gives up in a stream of blood.

I wish you could understand how unsettling it is to have my body constantly changing. Some women are on steady cycles. Their body never surprises them. I’m not like that.

My weight fluctuates. I get bloated. Sometimes I bleed a LOT and I get scared. The doctor says I’m okay but I often don’t feel okay. It’s something I could probably explain, given time, but whenever I mention my lady engine your eyes glaze over. You say you’re interested and that you want to understand, but your actions say otherwise.

Here’s my best try at a short explanation:

When I get emotional during menstruation it’s not just because hormones are making me edgy. I’m also being reminded of my own frailty–I’m terrified of blood, especially my own–and how rapidly I’m aging, disintegrating, and how powerless I am to do anything about it.

I joke about it sometimes, sure. But I’m only doing so to cope.

When I disagree with you about something and you ask me if I’m ‘on my period’ it’s a bit like promising an arachnophobe that you’ll be sure to bring her a spider next time you visit. Please don’t. It’s not funny to me.

I’m having my period, not giving birth to aliens. It’s not freaky, weird, or gross. It’s me!

You seem pretty interested in my vagina most of the time. Why not do some research and learn about how that part of my body works? Ask me questions, pick up a book, do a little hands-on exploration!

I wish we could talk about this. I wish it were okay to discuss my body without you feeling like you need to make jokes because you feel awkward. I want to talk about it. Most women do. If you take the time to learn about how my body works and how I relate to it, I think a lot of other things I do will start to make sense.

As a woman, I’m supposed to be all mysterious, right? Well, when it comes to my period, I think the mystery has been working against us.

If you want to know more, ask!

Love, Amelia

(For the pervs: No, I’m not volunteering to answer questions about my vagina. Go crawl back into your basement computer room with your anime.)

Image: Steve Kay

An Open Letter To Men

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Single Mom Dating: When To Tell Him You Have Kids

By Simon Cole

It was our fourth date when Coleen popped the question. She was smart, funny, beautiful, and confident of her talents. We’d had a lot of fun hanging out and I, classy dude that I am, hadn’t pushed for anything physical… yet.

Coleen just had something about her that said, “don’t touch me quite yet” that I figured was a good idea to respect.

That changed when she slipped from her side of the table in the softly lit corner of the restaurant and scooted into the seat beside me. (Irish pub, booths, yep.)

I thought, “Yes! She’s finally over whatever is bothering her. Snog time!”

Instead, she leaned toward me, paused, and popped the question:

Would you freak out if I told you I had two kids?

I didn’t freak out. I don’t have a problem with kids and see no reason why a person should treat another poorly for having given birth.

The thing that bothered me was Coleen’s timing in waiting so long to tell me that she had two enormous commitments chilling with a babysitter at home.

I was annoyed that she hadn’t told me right away. When I asked her about the delay she said only that she hadn’t wanted to scare me away and that her friends had said I’d be cool with it if I really liked her.

I wasn’t interested.

Looking back, I wonder if I did the right thing? On what date should a single mom admit to having kids? Was Coleen right to wait so long to tell me about her kids?

I asked some friends for their input:

Seth said,

“She should tell him about her kids right around the same time she’d like him to tell her if he’s a registered sex offender.”

Emma said,

“I think she should tell him once she’s sure she likes him. It’s the difference between inviting somebody to a party in college and inviting them home for Thanksgiving. It’s important to get to know the guy a little bit before you spring potentially life-altering news on him.”

Amelia took some pot shots at Coleen’s garment choices (long story) before remarking,

“It seems like dating as a single mom would be something like dating when you’re HIV-positive. You know, you’ve got this thing that would scare most guys away but you’re hoping that you’ll somehow meet one who wants to be with you no matter what and will understand why you didn’t tell him sooner. It’s a big deal to have kids. You have to protect them while trying to be open to a new person. I think Coleen probably liked you a lot and perhaps that’s why she waited so long to tell you about her kids. I don’t know. I don’t have kids. That’s how I’d approach it if I did, I think. I’d wait, perhaps quite a few dates.”

Now I’m not sure what to think. If Seth was just being dramatic with his line about the sex offender (a real possibility) then it seems I may have been wrong in discounting Coleen for waiting to tell me about her kids.

What do you think? Ladies? How long do you think it’s okay for a single mom to wait before telling her date she’s got kids? Gents, how soon would you like to know if the lady you’re dating has done more than just test her baby maker?

If I was wrong (and it seems I may have been) I’m game for giving Coleen a call and apologizing for being an ape. Was I wrong?

Thanks for your input!

Simon

Image: Photogratree

When Should A Single Mom Tell Her Date She Has Kids?

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7 Reasons It’s Your Fault When He Cheats

by Simon Cole

Cheaters aren’t born, they’re made. Are you making one out of your man? He may not be cheating. He might never cheat (some are better at committing than others). But that doesn’t mean he won’t resent you and look for love in other places. Here are 7 reasons you might be pushing your man to reassess his options.

1. You’re boring in bed

You don’t have to be a wild sex tigress with super flexibility who knows thousands of positions to be interesting in bed. You just need to know how to create an atmosphere of intimacy when you want to. Remember when you first met your man and all you had to do to get him hard was breathe on his neck? Not anymore. You go through the motions of sex but you don’t care. Your man might not be able to get a woman with a better body, but he can certainly find one who cares enough to make him feel noticed. She might be chubby but she’ll make him feel goooood. When was the last time you tried to make your man feel gooood?

2. You never give him that smile

You know, flirting? That thing you did when you first met? Flirting is a fun, sexy form of communication that you can do anywhere to remind your man that he’s your choice. Flirting is also an easy way of letting the women around you know that you keep your man interested and that they need not apply. However, judging by your behavior, you don’t really seem to care if they do try for him… do you?

3. You criticize him constantly

Do you have any idea how many orgasms you’ve missed out on because you bit your man’s head off as soon as he walked in the door over something as stupid as a carton of milk? Nobody likes to be criticized constantly. If you think your man is supposed to be perfect, you signed up for the wrong shift. He’s not perfect. He forgets, he’s lazy, he loses focus. Are you really interested in making him feel like you’re always judging him? If you do, he’ll run. He might not cheat, but he’ll certainly close himself off to you.

4. You’re a slob around the house

Now that you’ve been in relationship for awhile, you’ve decided it’s okay to dress like a colorblind hobo when you’re with your man. Is it really so much extra effort to put on a cute outfit instead of those ratty old sweatpants? Jeans and a cute t-shirt take the same amount of time to put on as your pyjama pants when you get out of the shower. You DO shower, don’t you? If you don’t have a perfume you really like, get one. He’ll memorize the scent and associate it with being near you and whatever that entails. There’s a lot of power in scent. Put it to your advantage or watch him end up with a woman who uses a nice-smelling bath soap.

5. You expect him to care about your relationship with your mother

He doesn’t. The best man in the world will smile, nod, and respond at appropriate points in conversation. But he doesn’t care. Bringing up your mother just makes you seem more like her and unless she’s a magnificent woman, you don’t want that (especially if she’s single).

6. You expect him to be on the same wavelength as you

He’s not. When you got mad at him for going out for drinks with his friends because he was supposed to instinctively know that you wanted to spend time together? That just made you look like an angry tramp. Communicate. Communicate clearly. Communicate in writing. Communicate multiple times if necessary in order to make sure he knows what you want. This doesn’t mean he’s stupid or doesn’t care about you. It means he’s probably a bit less organized than you and has a lot on his plate. Expecting him to know what you want without you clearly telling him will make your relationship feel like a series of mind games. Men cheat on women who play needless mind games.

7. You disrespect his friends

They were there before you and they’ll be there after you. Don’t blame him for his friends’ behavior. They belong in his world just as much as you do. Sure, he might have abandoned them a bit when you first met, but it’s back to real life now. He needs time with them just as he needs time with you if he wants to feel fulfillment in his life. He’s not going to leave his friends for you, but he might leave you for his friends. Don’t push.

Sure, there are many exceptions to any rule when it comes to relationships. You might do all the above and think your relationship is fine. But is it? We all want to be the exception. Why not make sure these 7 reasons don’t apply to your relationship and make it an exceptional one? I hope you do!

Simon

Image: Carlo Nicora

7 Reasons Why It’s Your Fault When He Cheats

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How To Give Fail-Proof Relationship Advice In 3 Steps

by Simon Cole

Step 1 – Listen
Step 2 – Listen more
Step 3 – Keep listening

At no point in this process should open your mouth to speak. If you have trouble keeping quiet (most of us do) then have some crackers and a nice glass of wine to keep your mouth occupied while you listen.

There are things that come after the listening. But if you really care about the person you’re trying to help –and you really listen to them–you’ll know what to say when the wine is gone and you’ve eaten all the crackers.

It’s that simple. Give it some practice and let me know if it works as well for you as it has for me, won’t you?

Image: JerOmnz

How To Give Fail Proof Relationship Advice In 3 Simple Steps

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