How to get your ex back .. via ebook?!
This post is aimed at people who have seperated or divorced from a long term relationship but are looking for ways to get their ex back.
I am always amazed at the amount of ebooks being sold on websites devoted to how to get your ex back.
But I have to ask the question … why would you want to read ebooks on how to get them back?
I can’t sit here and give you a formula for getting your ex back because I have no idea what went wrong with your relationship leading to divorce or the dynamics that your personal relationship is built on.
Was it a broken trust, an addiction, boredom, grown apart, money worries, etc that led to divorce or seperation?
Because it’s got to the break up stage it is way past simple internet dating advice on this blog or in a 39 dollar ebook.
Ok so your ex dumped you and you’re miserable, you miss them terribly and want them back, you can’t eat or sleep for thinking about them so you are desperately seeking any way to get them back … the answer doesn’t lie in ebooks (neither does the way to earn 1000 dollars a night while sleeping).
You can get your ex back if you are both willing to put a lot of hard work into the relationship, there is no short cut or magic wand.
Most couples that get back together go through a natural process, they still love each other but need some time and space to work out a problem or set of problems within their relationship.
They can do this themselves or through professional relationship counselling but I will bet my last pound no successful second time relationship was through the wisdom of ebooks … go on call me a cynic.
No amount of trickery is going to speed up that process or bring back someone that simply doesn’t love you anymore, so why waste your money on ebooks.
You can use any of the usual methods:
1. No contact -
This is designed to make your ex miss you like crazy and realise you are really the great love of their life when you pop back into their lives all fresh and new and sparkly having lost 20kg, got a new hair cut and taken up bungee jumping .. of course what often happens is they simply get on with their lives while you still haven’t accepted it’s over, prolonging your heartache. Basically it’s the if you love them let them go theory and if they still love you they will come back.
2. Jealousy
Yeah way to go, use someone in order to make your ex jealous. This often works … until the second honeymoon period is over and life gets back to the way it was when your ex realised they weren’t happy.
3. Emotional blackmail
You can use the kids, cry hysterically and turn into a lump of quivering jelly or as a last resort you can threaten suicide. Again this may work but only for a short period of time and why on earth would you want someone on those terms.
What I do like about the “how to get your ex back” advice which suggests no contact is at least they suggest you get on with your life.
Go get a new hobby, go socialising, get fit, find a new lease on life … why I like this plan is basically with any luck once you have done all that you won’t even remember your ex’s middle name is, you will then be on the road to getting over them.
Almost all of these how to get your ex back websites are simply trying to sell you an ebook, which of course doesn’t deal with the billion different reasons relationships break up and without dealing with the cause you can’t fix the symptoms.
So here’s what you need to know for free:
1. Is your ex already in a new relationship?
Yes .. then there is slim to no chance of getting them back, they have already moved on and you must too.
No … then there is some hope you could win them back if they are still emotionally invested in you, ask them if they would be prepared to visit relationship counselling with you and seek professional help. Leave the dramatics and blame game out of it and talk as rational, controlled adults about your relationship problems.
2. Does your ex know why they dumped you?
Yes … if it’s something tangible (money worries, you became a couch potato, your porn addiction, your drinking habits, an affair, etc) then speak to your ex and if they can see you are really trying to change then they may wait around to see if you can change long term.
No … they say they just fell out of love with you. In this situation it is very hard to bring the love back long term. Many people fall out of love and simply can’t explain why, if you don’t know what went wrong then you simply can’t fix it but some time apart may rekinkle feelings if you keep lines of communication open and friendly (not hysterical and demanding).
3. Are you both still talking about the relationship or break up?
Yes … this is a good sign because it means they are still emotionally invested in you. Try to meet up and calmly talk through what your ex feels went wrong with the relationship and whether it is something that can be “fixed”, maybe they would be prepared to go to relationship counselling with you.
No … bad sign, they are indifferent to you and therefore have no emotion left for you at all, time to accept it and move on.
4. Are you emotionally blackmailing them by calling them crying at 2am?
Yes … stop it, even if you manage to make them feel guilty enough to come back they are unlikely to stay long term. No strong or lasting relationship is built on guilt.
No … good, well done. Now follow the no contact rule and get on with your life. If they still care about you the phone will ring when they’re ready.
5. Are lines of communication still open?
Yes … then forget buying ebooks, they are just playing on your emotional state and current desperation. Go to the Relate website, they are professionals in relationship counselling and then discuss with your ex whether they would be prepared to work on identifiying the problems in and fixing your relationship with the help of Relate (this can be done by email if necessary).
No … again go to the Relate website but go to the if you’re seperating section. Find out about reopening lines of communication but in the meantime learn how to start moving on.
The Helpguide has some really good advice on moving on after a break up.
This may not be what you want to hear at the moment but the crying, constant phone calls, emotional game playing and the blame game is just driving them further away.
You have to take a deep breath and communicate in a calm, rational way. If your ex shows no willingness to sit down and talk then you have to give then time and space but accept they may never be ready to talk, they may just want to move on.
You can try to get professional help to rebuild your relationship, if your ex is willing or maybe it’s time to start accepting it’s over and move on but stop searching the internet for how to get your ex back, there is no magic solution.
Behaviour Patterns of Online Dating Scammers
Are you being conned by an internet dating scammer? Read the behaviour patterns of online dating scammers to find out.
Almost every successful online dating scam follows a set pattern of behaviour.
Once scammers find something that works they will use it until people get wise to the scam and then move on to something new.
Unfortunately, as dating scams deal with our most basic instinct (the desire to love and be loved) this old trick is not running it’s course, it still works every day.
Here is the basic behavior pattern of an internet dating scammer, the psychology behind each step and the red flags to look for … learn to read the signs.
The Scammers Approach
They will send a short introductory message as soon as you or they join the site. They will often approach people 10 to 15 years older than they say they are.
They will very quickly (usually in the first one or two messages) want to move off the site and on to yahoo, msn or mobile texting.
If you agree to move off the dating site within 2 days they will remove their profile from that site and inform you they have done this because they know they have found the one they were looking for.
They will explain that English is not their first language so they are slow at typing (in actual fact they take so long to respond because they are also chatting to 4 other potential victims at the same time).
Red flag:
They want to get you off the dating site as quickly as possible .. ask yourself why?
Scammers Cover Story
This is just one cover story but it will give you an idea of how creative they are.
They will begin by telling you they are a business man or woman and are either currently doing contract work in an African country or they are in Europe at the moment but will be travelling to Africa on business soon.
They will usually say they are French, Belgian, Dutch, Italian or whatever because when you speak on the phone it can be difficult to tell what their accent is.
Together
They will chat to you daily and within a week they will tell you they are in love with you, they have been waiting for you all their life, they have dreamed of meeting someone like you and they can’t wait for you to be together.
They are perfect for you, almost too good to be true. Everything they tell you sounds like they read your profile and messages then invented their entire persona just for you (there’s a hint in there).
They will quickly talk of visiting you with a view to moving your relationship to the physical level and will talk of marriage.
Red Flag:
Too much, too soon, never met and nobody is that perfect for you. It’s one of the joys of relationships, we have to compromise and if someone is just “perfect” then you should smell a rat.
First Request For Money
This will usually come after 10 to 14 days of chatting daily and take one of four forms. The request will be in an amount from 1000 to 20000 UK pounds or US dollars (although sometimes much more), they will sound so embarrassed to have to ask you BUT:
- A medical emergency
- Victim of a crime.
- Visa money and flight money to come to be with you.
- A business deal is slipping through their fingers.
The medical emergency will take the form of needing to see a doctor because they are sick or must pay a hospital bill for either them or a close family member. They will say it’s only a loan, someone owes them money and as soon as they get it they will send it right back to you.
The crime will take the form of their wallet/passport/laptop/luggage has been stolen and they are stuck in Africa and need to get home (this may be coupled with the need to pay the hospital bill after the attack).
Of course they have to travel a few hundred miles to apply for the visa, then travel back for the interview and that’s expensive .. the fact that our embassies now accept initial online applications should warn you here. They also need flight money to come to see you, someone owes them money which they could use but they won’t get it back for a few weeks and they just can’t wait that long to be with you. As soon as they get their money back they will send you what they owe you. Others just say they can’t afford it and if you are to be together then can you pay for their flight.
A great deal came up and they have paid 200,000 plus for heavy machinery/gold/precious stones/etc but they are short 20,000. When they are back home they can sell it for more than double what they are paying for it. Their bank doesn’t have a branch over there so he/she can’t get the remaining money wired to them .. can you just help him/her out and they’ll split the profits with you when they get back and sell their purchases.
Please note that in any of these scenario’s if you say you can’t afford the amount they are asking for they will simply ask for less and try to get the remaining amount elsewhere … and yet they had to ask you, a total stranger, for the money.
Any money you send needs to be sent through Western Union.
Red Flags:
1. A business person that travels frequently and goes to Africa without medical insurance .. pull the other one.
2. If they’re a victim of crime why haven’t they gone to their Embassy for help, that’s what they’re there for and they WILL help in such circumstances.
3. They are so desperate to meet you but never suggest you go to meet them when they get back to their home country, just send them money and they’ll come to you.
4. A business person that can’t get to a bank there but was allowed to wander through customs with 200,000 in cash, which they just happened to be carrying in case they fancied a bite to eat .. I don’t think so!!
5. If the words Western Union and internet dating crop up in the same sentence run a mile.
If you Don’t Send Money
If you sound even slightly hesitant about sending money or say you simply can’t afford to, they will suddenly go into fits of remorse for even asking you .. you will get a tyrade of what a dreadful person they are and they will never forgive themselves for asking .. blah blah blah.
Once they are sure you feel really guilty and sorry for them, usually coupled with you saying you really want to help them but … they will start to ask for money again. Maybe you could just lend them a small part of what they need? Do you have a car you could sell?
Documentational Proof
In order to build trust and reassure you that you are not being scammed they will email you documentation to prove they are telling the truth and how much they need.
This may take the form of:
- A hospital bill and letter from a doctor explaining they can’t release his/her passport until the bill is paid.
- A police report detailing the crime and the value of what was stolen.
- A letter from a travel agent explaining the flight has been booked and they await x number of pounds/dollars to pay for the flight or even a copy of the flight booking confirmation.
- A receipt from the business they are buying from detailing their purchase and the amount outstanding. This will often state that if the outstanding amount is not paid he/she will lose the money already paid.
Red Flags:
All of these documents are written in English, even the police report .. how convenient, that means you can read them.
I could produce any of these documents in about 10 minutes with my laptop and photoshop.
You can book a flight online and print off the booking confirmation straight away, then cancel the booking. This is such an effective tool though psychologically because you “see” the flight they are coming on, so it can’t be a con … can it?
It’s all proof of nothing other than their ability to use a computer.
Second Request for Money
If you send any money for a flight it will quickly be followed by a second request.
The most popular of these is the Basic Travel Allowance (BTA).
This is where the psychology of the scam gets you in two ways.
Firstly it gets you emotionally, you desperately want to meet this perfect love of your life or you wouldn’t have sent the flight money (usually 2-3000). They sound so utterly disappointed when they tell you they went to get their visa and the embassy/government/travel agent explained they need BTA money in cash, 800-1000 pounds or dollars, which has to be shown at the departure desk.
Secondly you may begin to smell a rat but you’ve already sent a lot of money, so your brain will be desperately trying to convince you that you haven’t just been scammed (even though in your heart you know you have).
You may decide to cut your losses and break contact but many victims of scams try to give them the benefit of the doubt in the hopes of this person really being the love they are looking for and in the hope they haven’t just become the latest victim of a dating scammer.
Red Flags:
There is no such thing as BTA. Before sending any money for visa/passport/travel requirements check the internet, look at your embassy website and establish what is actually needed and what is just an attempt to part you from your hard earned cash.
I know this all makes it sound very “any idiot could work it out” and in the cold light of day they could but these people are very good at what they do and are very convincing.
Please learn the behaviour patterns of online dating scammers so you don’t become a victim.
Porn in a Relationship … what’s going on?
When does porn in a relationship stop being a way for a couple to get new ideas and start damaging the relationship?
What’s going on when your partner wants to bring pornography into your relationship?
We now live in a very sexually open society where virtually nothing is private or taboo.
Pornography has been around for a very long time and used to be a “guy” thing, limited to bachelors and stag parties but now a simple click of a computer mouse and in a flash you can be watching hard core pornography, which is probably banned in numerous countries.
The pro-pornography camp will say it’s harmless fun, it’s relaxing, it’s healthy, it spices up a relationship and people that don’t like porn are insecure.
The anti-pornography camp say it devalues women, becomes an addiction, removes attention from your partner to the point of not fulfilling their sexual needs and reinforces unrealistic ideas of how a “sexy partner” should look or act.
Pornography is often introduced into the relationship by the male partner, who used to look at it before the relationship started or when the sex life in a marriage gets a bit stale.
Usually it’s introduced as a way to “get new ideas” or “get you both in the mood”.
However, problems begin to arise when it becomes a substitute or you fail to gain the same gratification from your partner as you do from watching pornography.
Another problem arises when it becomes secretive. If something needs to be hidden, either a relationship or your porn stash then it’s a signal something is wrong.
Couples often begin watching it together but it doesn’t take long before one or both are watching it while their partner is at work or sleeping.
Am I insecure … you’re having a laugh!
Would I feel cheated on … no but I would certainly feel inadequate.
Would I be insulted or scared if my husband started watching porn … hell yes, it would signal there is something going wrong with our relationship.
Some couples look at relatively soft pornography together for years without it going any further and in a healthy committed relationship that’s no problem but in a majority of cases it’s a slippery slope.
Just read some of the stories on this how porn hurt our relationship message board.
Marriages that survived 20 years, with all the ups and downs we all go through and then ended in divorce because of pornography.
You go from soft pornography to something more hard core, then add something a little kinky … and so it goes on until you find yourselves inviting the neighbours round to spice things up a bit.
You can read about people that hide their pornography and watch it in secret, totally neglecting the needs of their partner.
Of course YOU don’t have an addiction but neither do heroine addicts or alcoholics!!
What the pro-porn camp haven’t grasped yet is that the damage to your relationship is subtle and you are often not aware of it until your relationship is damaged beyond repair or you have stepped over a line you can’t return from.
For those in the pro-porn camp, consider this.
After watching porn with your partner do you start to suggest or hint at a full brazillian waxing or perhaps she should stroke your ego by shouting “do it to me harder big boy” in a Texan accent? What about dressing up as a slut in thigh high boots?
Do you see the trend here … all of this is about changing the woman you are with to look or act the way porn stars do.
There is nothing wrong with your partner dressing up but when you do it in a way that tries to imitate an airbrushed, half plastic prostitute (be fair, they have sex for money the only difference is they allow it to be filmed .. that’s a prostitute) then you need to take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself some hard questions about who you are becoming.
In anyone’s language that is not healthy for your relationship.
This can be something sexual your partner is not comfortable with trying/doing or it can be thrill seeking, usually requiring in time harder core material to get you excited.
Now ask yourself, if your have average sized private parts and an average build but you find your partner is regularly downloading images or films of body builders with titles like “12 inches of man love” how long will it take before you look in the mirror and think hmmmm.
Even if she adores you and tells you how much she enjoys your sex life, you are always going to have that nagging doubt in the back of your mind that what she really wants is king dong … so why should women feel any differently?
Watching porn regularly is usually an indicator that something is missing in your sex life which you crave.
I find the argument that you can get new ideas to spice up your relationship totally unconvincing. You will find many more new ideas by looking at the kama sutra than you would ever get from watching Debbie Does Dallas.
Then we have “they aren’t that great anyway, we know they’re fake and some are quite funny” .. erm, so what you watching them for? Turn it off and switch over to the comedy channel.
In most pornography films the women are highly submissive, to the point where they are a breath away from being rape scenes. Being playfully submissive is one thing but being raped is quite another.
Now ask yourself how many women are turned on by the idea of being raped? If you’re a woman and you are then you have issues that need dealt with.
If you’re a man and you believe most women are turned on by rape then you know a lot less about women than my fridge/freezer does.
The next argument is “what’s worse, to watch pornography or have an affair”.
Honestly, if you can’t see that there is something fundamentally wrong with that statement then you’re already a long way down the slippery slope.
That statement says there is something missing in your relationship, which you are unable to communicate to your partner so must look for outside your relationship.
No relationship can be repaired by going outside the relationship itself, even to films or magazines.
So the answers to the original questions are:
When does porn in a relationship stop being a way for a couple to get new ideas and start damaging the relationship?
The moment it is introduced into your relationship.
What’s going on when your partner wants to bring pornography into your relationship?
They crave something they are not getting .. re-open the lines of communication and find out what.
Agree or disagree?
Basic Travel Allowance | BTA Dating Scam
Second only to flight money, the Basic Travel Allowance (BTA) is the scammers highest paying income.
Also known as the Personal Travel Allowance, Travellers Allowance Fee, Travellers Assistance Fund, Travellers Assurance Fund and numerous other forms of “I have to have wodges of your cash or they won’t let me fly”.
Let’s get this over with now … THERE IS NO SUCH THING any more, anywhere, it’s an online dating scam.
First of all look at the wording Basic Travel ALLOWANCE, not basic travel requirement.
In the same way as we now have cigarette and alcohol allowances (ie the maximum amount you can take into/out of a country) the BTA used to be the maximum amount of local currency that could be exchanged and taken out of a country.
Why?
If poorer nations just allowed everyone to take as much cash as they liked out of their country the economy would be dead in the water in a week.
Therefore, poorer countries introduced the BTA to limit the amount of local currency that exited their country. This was scrapped 3-4 decades ago and replaced with other currency allowances but it gives the scammers an excellent legitimate sounding tool to get your money.
Something vital to understand is that third world countries don’t care who leaves or if they ever come back, the people that care are the country the person is travelling to.
This means that during the visa application process the applicant must prove to the visa section of the country they are visiting that they, or their sponsor, is financially able to pay for travel and expenses.
Very occasionally passport control at their destination country may randomly ask a traveller how much cash they have (this is usually when someone from a third world country arrives for a two week stay with 10 suitcases) and 50-100 pounds sterling/dollars or equivalent is more than adequate.
There is NO requirement, anywhere, for the person to show their government/travel agency/airline that they have 1000 pounds/dollars in cash … it’s a spinoff from the Nigerian 419 dating scam and a very effective one.
The usual amount asked for in terms of BTA is between 800 and 3000 pounds or dollars.
Let’s put this into context … on the Nigerian section of the Expat Blog we see:
the cost of living in Nigeria… a bit of an odd question as 90% of the population lives on less than a dollar a day.
So if you send them 1000 pounds (without calculating the flight money etc) you have just paid them 8 years basic living allowance.
Bet you wish someone would give you 8 years of salary free for just making a couple of phone calls and sending a few emails!!
Not hitting home yet?
Let’s try something more visual. At todays exchange rate 1000 British pounds is 241,127.33 NGN (nigerian currency).
Now go to Nigeria Car Finder and in the second hand car section leave everything as any and set the price to 250000
My search showed that your hard earned cash could buy a scammer:
1992 Honda, Accord … takes just 1 successful scam (flight and BTA money)
1993 190e mercedes, 1993 model … takes just 1 successful scam (flight +BTA)
2000 Mercedes-Benz, 200-Series … takes just 3 successful scams (flight and BTA)
Now then, do YOU drive a mercedes?
What about a home in a well-to-do area?
“Real estate for sale: 3 bedroom bungalow in cornerstone estate Price: 7 million”
So they just have to scam 10 people in the UK out of 3000 pounds for flight/BTA/hospital etc and bingo, they can live the high life without a mortgage … can you?
I’m sorry to be so brutal about this but you MUST understand that sending these people money is the equivalent of you having a half decent win on the lottery.
To make matters worse if you send them just 1 pound or dollar they will never leave you alone, you will have to change your online details, your home phone number, your mobile number and perhaps even move house to get away from them.
If you are reading this because you think you might be being scammed (requests for large sums of money to be sent through Western Union for BTA or flights) then I almost guarantee you are.
If you have already sent money then don’t feel ashamed, they prey on the humans most basic instinct, to love and be loved.
However, cease all contact immediately … don’t decide they might just be genuine so I’ll give them a couple of days, if you are reading this your head is sending you alarm signals, listen to them.
Conclusion: There is no such thing as Basic Travel Allowance or any other terms which suggest such a thing, the BTA is a dating scam.
(please note the photo of the boys used in this blog post are not known dating scammers, it is simply a photo of boys in Africa)
3 Reasons Why Women Cheat | Understanding Adultery
As I said in the last article stating the top 3 reasons why men cheat, it is not only men that cheat, more and more women are also committing adultery.
This is largely driven by opportunity. As women have gained closer equality with men their work and social lives have opened new doors and presented new opportunities to meet people.
At the end of the day it’s simply not ok to cheat but that doesn’t stop people.
With adultery on the rise among women it’s important to understand what drives women to cheat on their husbands.
Of course not everyone is the same but these are the most common 3 reasons given by unfaithful women for their affair.
1. Affection and Attention
Yes, the number one reason for men and women is the same.
Like men, most cheating women don’t go out looking for an affair but when they receive affection and attention from a stranger that they no longer receive at home some women find it too flattering to resist.
It really does your self image and confidence no favours if you lose 10 kg or cut 6 inches off your hair and your partner fails to notice, you begin to feel invisible and un-cared for.
Then a strange man compliments you, he really notices you in the way your husband did before you started coming second best to his golf clubs. Once again you find your girlish giggle, you start to again feel sexy and desirable.
The sad fact is that most, if not all, of these women would never dream of cheating if they got the attention and affection they need at home.
Ask them and they will tell you, they would much prefer to receive this attention from their husband but he has emotionally withdrawn from her and is no longer excited by her, which plays havoc with her self confidence.
So guys, stop reading and go to tell your wife how sexy she looks, give her a smouldering kiss and say you’re sorry you haven’t been paying enough attention to her lately.
2. Revenge Cheating
Have you heard the saying Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned? Wow is it true.
Just search online for the term “revenge on cheating husband” and you will see page after page of stories about women cheating, going on naked webcams, selling porn photo’s of themselves and damaging cars, clothes, etc.
Women who catch their men cheating and follow this course of action don’t ask themselves the question does revenge cheating work, they just feel the need to get even.
Of course revenge cheating doesn’t work, two wrongs never make a right but these women feel that cheating on them belittles their sexuality, so they go all out to prove they are still sexy.
3. Thrill Seeking
Sexual freedom is still a very new phenomenon in the history of women. When I left school a man that slept around was a stud and a woman that slept around was a slut.
The playing field in recent years has levelled up considerably on this issue and women can now be bad girls without constant scorn.
Many women of my age married young, being still quite innocent and had families. They now see the sexual freedom the younger generations have and want a slice.
The problem comes when a man has been married to a woman for some time and is used to the hum-drum life they lead. Something in her life changes (a 40th birthday, a death in the family, large weight loss, a new career, etc) and the husband carries on as normal.
The life she was happy with for all those years just doesn’t excite her anymore, she wants to be a sex kitten and have fun. If you don’t notice this change and join in then someone else just might.
Here’s a more in depth look at reasons women cheat and the solutions, to help us in understanding adultery.
3 Reasons Why Men Cheat | Understanding Adultery
Adultery is as old as time, for as long as there have been humans roaming the earth people have been cheating on their partners but we need to understand that it is often a symptom, not a cause.
Firstly let’s just admit that women as well as men cheat, however women tend to commit adultery for different reasons to men, so this article will just look at the top 3 reasons why men cheat.
Understanding adultery is not the same as condoning it, there are so many reasons why it’s not ok to cheat, even in this modern sexually permissive society but by understanding why men cheat we can work on our relationships to lessen the chances of our partner, or ourselves, having an affair.
It’s also not ok to simply blame the wife, he isn’t getting enough sexual satisfaction at home so was forced to look outside the marriage .. although this can be a factor in some affairs but marriage failure is rarely so one sided.
Here are the top 3 reasons men cheat, in order of priority .. the No1 reason may not be as you would expect:
1. Affection and Attention
No, the number one reason for men cheating is not simply sexual gratification, although it’s a generally held belief .. i.e., he just can’t keep it in his pants.
It’s all about affection and attention .. in simpler terms it’s about his ego, someone that makes him feel appreciated and desired.
Think back to when you were dating, how you hung on his every word, laughed at his jokes, were desperate to spend time with him and picked the fluff off his jacket .. he loved the attention and he felt appreciated.
During that phase of your relationship a supermodel could have danced in front of him naked begging for his attention and he would have rejected her, as he was getting all he needed from you.
Then life moves on, you have the kids to pick up from school, the house is a tip, the dog has thrown up in the kitchen, the mortgage is due and you can put the shelves up yourself without waiting 6 months for him to do it. He has suddenly become a spare part.
Along comes a very ordinary other woman, no beauty queen and not even very exciting. He just meets her in passing, he isn’t out looking for an affair, she just happens to cross his path, be that at work, in the supermarket or socially.
She laughs at his jokes, enjoys his conversation and comments on how well his shirt suits his colouring .. bingo, she pays him attention and he suddenly feels appreciated again and cheating suddenly doesn’t seem such a crime.
He commits adultery, not because he was looking for extra marital playtime but because he finds the attention, ego boost and affection he feels he’s lacking at home.
2. Lack of Sexual Fulfilment
Men may cheat for three sexual reasons (or a combination of them):
a) His wife is partially or totally disinterested. When we are first in a relationship we are at it like bunnies but over time the physical side of a relationship takes a back seat to day to day life.
Most men can accept this without rushing out to cheat but when it comes to the weekly “hurry up and remember to pull my nightie down when you’ve finished” or “good lord, has your birthday come round again” then men will simply look elsewhere.
As with all things in a relationship, it takes both partners in a marriage to communicate and make decisions, women are not the sole judge of how often your marriage bed should see action other than snoring.
b) Sexual boredom can be a factor in adultery. It’s not that he doesn’t love you or doesn’t enjoy your sex life together but it can get a bit ’same old, same old’ for both men and women.
This doesn’t mean you have to start reaching for the kama sutra, buy toys or arrange a swingers party to stop him from cheating, just be the woman he fell in love with again.
Open up your underwear drawer and have a look .. is it full of “comfortable” knickers and slightly off white mumsy bra’s? Maybe it’s time to dress up for your man or has it become a twice weekly (Tuesdays and Thursdays) event? Spice things up a little, be a devil and ravish him on Sunday afternoon.
c) Sexual experimentation. This is perhaps the saddest of sexual reasons for a man to cheat, I mean sad as in feeling sorry for them, not sad as in get a life you loser.
What happens if your husband wants you to dress as a french maid or tie you up and you give him that shocked catholic schoolgirl look?
First you have made him feel uncomfortable and embarrassed, never something we should do to someone we love. You may have made him feel perverse, for something most red blooded men think about trying. You have also rejected him without even explaining why you are afraid to try it.
Now, what if he meets a woman that is not only willing to try but is actually very keen to do so, she may even have some new ideas of her own? Adultery .. again not because he doesn’t love or respect you but because this new woman he is cheating with is allowing him to expand his horizons, she is accepting or even encouraging him to experiment and spice things up.
That is not to say “do anything your husband wants to try” but if he suggests something you know, without trying, you wouldn’t be comfortable with then suggest something new you would be happy to try. He will be so happy when he see’s you trying to meet him half way he wouldn’t dream of cheating.
3. Nagging, nagging, nagging and more nagging
Nagging is simply another word for criticism and you may be a Stepford wife in all other ways but if you’re a nag then your man is going to dread coming home and will find solace in the arms of another .. a non-nagging other.
Most people can accept constructive criticism but when it begins to be nit-picking, nagging for the sake of it, then it would wear anyone down.
He simply can’t win, no matter how hard he tries to please you he gets nagged .. in other words told he is wrong constantly.
It’s not enough for you to say don’t leave your dirty football boots on the coffee table, you have to add “AND” then list a thousand other things he does that annoys you.
A man in this situation will actively seek peace, whether that is through a hobby, drinking or an affair. Adultery is an escape for him and cheating loses it’s fear .. anything is better than being constantly brow beaten.
Conclusion
Some men will always cheat, they just have a “grass is always greener” mentality but a majority wouldn’t dream of it if they are happy and fulfilled at home.
Again, this is not just blaming the wife .. a relationship works both ways and when a man stops paying attention and making his wife feel sexy and attractive then it’s no big surprise she is rarely in the mood but we will look at that side of things in the next article.
For now ladies have a look at the three reasons men cheat and ask yourself honestly if you are guilty of any of them. It’s no shame to admit you are, I woke up one day and realised I had become a tremendous nag but like any problem, once you admit it you can do something about it.
On a final note ladies, don’t forgive affairs too easily. If I had added a number 4 to the list of reasons men cheat it would have been because they know they can creep round you until you forgive them again.
Understanding adultery is not rocket science, the 3 reasons why men cheat are symptoms of a bigger problem at home.
Dating Scams – Online Dating Profile Photo’s
Many online daters feel they are too smart to get caught out by a dating scammer, they believe they can easily spot a bogus dating profile or photo.
It’s time to think again.
We have answered the question “what is an online dating scammer” and looked at the No 1 internet dating scam, the 419 scam.
But as online daters have become smarter at recognising scammers, scammers have been evolving at the same pace.
While beginners still use the old basic tricks, the more advanced scammers are a lot more subtle.
One question to ask yourself is “does the online dating profile photo look too good to be true?”
If it does then it probably is, they simply steal them from modelling agency websites.
However, the better scammers are now wise to this .. here’s an illustration:
I bet you thought they were going to be of women!! Scammers will try anything to get cash out of both men and women.
Clearly the picture at the top is of a male model and has been stolen from a model agency website.
So not only are you being scammed but the poor model is having his work stolen and used for illegal purposes.
The picture at the bottom is clearly not of a male model. This poor man obviously put his holiday photos on something like facebook or flickr and is now being touted round the internet by a dating scammer.
The ip address for two profiles with the above pictures displayed both originate in Nigeria.
Here’s one for the men .. just so you don’t feel left out.
This is Karla Spice, an adult film star. There is a great deal more to this photo but I shall leave you to find it for yourself.
Scammers will use photo’s like this so your large brain switches off and your small brain takes over.
Her portfolio of photo’s has been on online dating profiles all over the world and men are still falling for it.
Another way for scammers to get hold of photo’s to use on dating profiles is to capture images from daters they are chatting to online. If you are chatting to a scammer using webcam they simply take a still picture of you while you are online.
In 5 tips to spot a Nigerian dating scammer I told you how to trace a photo back to it’s online origin using a reverse image search engine.
If you start communicating with someone on an online dating site then always check their photo through a reverse image search engine or database.
As the photo’s of men above shows, it’s not only the too good to be true pictures that scammers use on online dating profiles.
5 Tips to Spot a Nigerian Dating Scammer
Are you chatting to a genuine online dater or a Nigerian scammer? Become an online dating investigator and use these 5 Tips to spot a Nigerian dating scammer.
Before you start playing hot and frisky or declaring love to someone from an online dating site do a little research to find out if they are a Nigerian dating scammer.
First of all make sure you understand what the 419 internet dating scam is and how it works.
Remember these scammers are everywhere, not just in major online dating sites but also on forums and in chatrooms about every topic there is.
Even very small niche dating websites can occasionally let one slip through the net depending on how experienced the scammer is.
Now let’s start investigating this too good to be true, dying to get married to you person.
1. Trace the Dating Profile Photo
Is the dating profile photo just too good to be true, does it look like a model? If so it probably is.
The photo I have used on this post is one a Nigerian scammer stole from a model agency website and was using on online dating profiles.
However more sophisticated Nigerian scammers are now using very ordinary holiday snaps they find around the internet.
So either copy the images from their profile if the website hasn’t blocked the copy feature or ask the person to email you their photo’s .. now go to TinEye.com and upload the photo’s.
Tineye is a reverse image search engine and will find the image online even if it has been altered.
This will tell you where the original photo was uploaded, eg a model agency website or someones photo album.
Romancescam also has a photo database of known scammers. Just go to Scam Digger upload the photo(s) and it will compare them to the ones in their database.
2. Check Email Adresses
The Nigerian scammers favourite email and chat provider by far is Yahoo, I would say that over 90% of the scam profiles I reject from my dating site are using yahoo email addresses.
Look out for addresses with 4u, 4luv, 4life, 4love, 4ever at the end .. eg lillian4u@yahoo.com, it’s no guarantee but does ring alarm bells.
3. Track the IP Address
An IP address will give you the location of the web server they are using, if it goes back to Nigeria or Senegal for example then you might want to rethink your budding relationship.
IP addresses can be routed through certain websites so you would see a UK or US ip address but you can track back to the original.
This excellent blog post will take you step by step through tracking the original IP address of an email sender in GMail, Yahoo and Outlook.
Once you find the ip address just go to a free ip locator website and paste it in the search box.
This then lists the country, region and city of the server the sender is using .. clever isn’t it.
4. Search Profile Information
If the person you are chatting to has a well written profile, with a good standard of English grammar then copy and paste a couple of phrases and do a google search.
I’ve just tried it with one of todays scammers profiles on my dating site and the phrases originate on a US blogs about me page.
5. Ask to Chat on Webcam
Be persistent about this. These scammers will send you up to 30 photo’s of ‘themselves’ (they are often all photos of the same model taken from an agency website) but a webcam will show you who you are talking to.
Of course they won’t have a webcam, even if you send them money to buy one they will reel off excuse after excuse as to why it won’t work but that is what you want.
The more they refuse to show themselves the more suspicious you will get and the aim here is to protect you from these people.
Internet Dating Scam No 1 – The 419 Scam
The 419 Scam is the No1 online dating scam, also called a Nigerian scam, but it comes in many forms and not only from Nigeria.
We have all heard about the “please cash my money order or cheque for x millions and you get 10%” letters and emails, well that is a 419 scam.
You may not fall for the big pay day scams but are you savvy enough to avoid the more subtle Nigerian scams?
419 scams are now so prevelent on the internet that a cyber sport has been developed around it, called scambaiting, which involves people tracking and communicating with scammers to frustrate their efforts.
Ways in which a Nigerian or 419 scam works on internet dating sites:
1. Registering Their Profile on a Dating Site
The first hurdle for a scammer is getting a profile registered with an online dating site.
Go to any of the big free dating sites and you will soon spot a scammers profile, it will be in bad English, have a username ending in something like 4u or 4luv and be gushing about love, marriage, having children and finding soulmates.
These are the new recruits but the experienced scammers are far more savvy.
Also they don’t only join free sites, as this scam example shows, trusted sites like Match also have their share of scammers and these will be the better ones as they are making enough money to join the paid sites.
2. Hooking a Victim
Their first message to you will usually be very complimentary, stating the many things you have in common (just about everything) and supplying their email or chat address.
They want to get you off the website and chatting privately as quickly as possible.
Love will be declared very quickly and soon talk of visiting you and marriage will begin.
They will spend building your trust until they are sure they think you are mentally planning a future together.
Often they will begin to refer to you as their husband or wife, long before you have ever even met (not that you are going to meet but the promises will keep coming).
3. Request for Money
Then it starts and can come in a million forms. The requests for money may start small but will grow with time. Here are some of the more common requests:
- Money to buy a phone card so they can call you (the exchange rate is worth the trouble).
- Enough to buy a webcam so you can see them while you talk.
- A family member is in hospital/trouble and they need to quickly borrow money. They will seem embarrassed to have to ask and make gushing assurances about paying it back.
- Flight, visa or translation fee money (all backed up with a travel agents letter setting out the costs and reasons for requiring cash not direct payment). This is so they can come to be with you .. of course at the last moment there is always a reason they can’t actually travel.
- A request to cash a living allowance cheque and send the cash by Western Union .. gosh their employers screwed up again and they can’t cash it at a local bank.
- Cash to get a works project off the ground, they have the job but can’t afford to buy/hire/transport the equipment and the profits from the job will be huge .. of course they’ll pay you back with interest.
- They have been working abroad and the company went bust/fired them/employer attacked them/etc and they need to get home to UK/US/Germany or wherever.
4. A Reason for Everthing
If you become at all suspicious they will have a reason for everything and because you want them to be genuine it will be easy to fall for their explanations.
You will also they find that if they ask for 850 pounds or dollars and you say you can only let them have 400 they will suddenly find a reason that 400 is just enough to cover or they will get the rest from someone else .. even though two days ago you were the only person in the world that could help them.
Don’t think for a moment that only the gullible fall for the Nigerian scam, we discussed this in the post about what an online dating scam is and there are many examples on the net of ordinary intelligent people falling for these dating scams.
If you think you may be chatting to a scammer and want some support then head on over to Romance Scams forum. They have a database of known scammers, their current email addresses and photos of innocent people the scammers use from the internet.
In my next post I will tell you how to investigate and find out if you are chatting on an online dating site to a 419 or Nigerian scammer.
Online Dating and Rudeness
One of the regular complaints about online dating is the rudeness that abounds.
I am often asked how to deal with rudeness on online dating sites and after the first date.
There are three distinct catagories of dating rudeness I can think of and while they vary in degree they are all unnecessary and are definate dating don’ts.
For reasons known only to themselves some people think that because you are virtually anonymous on an online dating site it gives you the freedom to be rude to people.
Politeness costs nothing, only a moment of your time and in some cases makes you the bigger/better person.
If you have experienced any other forms of rudeness with online dating please leave a comment and let us know about your experiences.
Rude Messages
I have experienced this first hand when I was dating online, receiving messages asking if I was really that fat/tall/boring/sarcastic or whatever.
There are also the messages that tell you what’s wrong with you .. yes people actually browse online dating profiles and send messages to say what they don’t like about you!
People … get a life. There are millions of people online you will not be attracted to, so just click the next button and move on.
What this says about you is you can’t get a date for love nor money so you need to ‘act out’ your frustrations by trying to make others feel as low about themselves as you do.
If you receive any messages like this, delete them .. this is your dating don’t .. don’t respond. Do not give a second thought or wonder why a total stranger would think these things about you .. it’s their problem not yours.
This is basically an extention of the comments you see on blogs, I don’t mean ones that constructively disagree with your post but the ones that just say this is sh*t or describe what they want to do with their private parts.
This is not unique to the internet, you hear it on radio talk shows and read it in letters to editors. Some people clearly have mental frustrations which they release in any anonymous fashion they can.
If you don’t like something then move on, nobody can write something everyone will love and agree with and nobody can be attractive to everyone of the opposite gender.
Perhaps our society has fostered this rudeness by it’s ever widening freedom of speech? I know my mother taught me that if I can’t say anything nice then don’t say anything at all.
If you get these messages and feel the need to react in any way then use the dating sites forum and start a thread called Get a Life .. post their messages on the thread and shame them into stopping because I bet they aren’t just doing it to you.
Ignoring Polite Approaches
This is when you take the time to browse profiles and find the courage to send that first polite introductory message.
You then wait … and wait … and wait.
It’s like life before the internet (if, like me, you can remember that far back) when someone you were dating said they will call but when they don’t you go to check the dial tone on the telephone in case it’s broken.
It really would have been kinder just to call and say thanks but I’m not interested in dating you again.
Most online dating services will allow you to save message templates. It only takes a moment to respond with a saved message saying “thanks for your message, I’ve checked out your profile but don’t feel we have enough in common but I wish you luck in your search”.
This politely but firmly lets the sender know you are not interested but doesn’t leave them in limbo wondering if you have read their message and will reply.
Remember the saying .. treat people as you would like them to treat you.
After the First Date
So you’ve chatted for a while and decide to meet for a first date. After lunch you say your goodbye’s and tell them you will speak soon, knowing you have no intention of seeing them again.
They send a quick text or message later that day to thank you for the date and they hope to hear from you soon.
You delete it and forget you ever heard their name. Unless they were offensive on your date, that is simply rudeness.
Ok so you thought they were boring, weird, too flirtatious or you simply didn’t find them attractive but remember that you were interested enough to arrange to meet them, so they can’t be all bad.
They are a person with feelings and an ego, just like you. Ask yourself, wouldn’t you prefer to be told thanks but no thanks instead of being ignored?
Conclusion
If you find it necessary to write rude or offensive messages to strangers then you have serious confidence problems and need professional help to deal with your internal issues.
Ignoring people that make a polite effort to communicate with you is arrogance. They may be trying to date out of their league or you may just get too many approaches to be bothered dealing with them all (lucky you) but how much effort does it really take to click a button and let someone know you aren’t interested?!
It may be that you feel uncomfortable saying thanks but no thanks, particularly if you have been communicating for some time but most people feel much better about a rejection than being totally blanked.
This is not someone you plan to meet again so there is no need for embarrassment, just send a short decisive message and let them know they won’t be hearing from you again .. let them move on quickly.
It really is time we get back to be polite people and stop all this rudeness in online dating.
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